A truly Belgian experience!

Belgium has its own chain of fast food restaurants, rather oddly named "Quick".

"Slow" might be more appropriate. "Incompetant and gungy" might be even better, although perhaps simply "Belgian" might give the customer an indication of what to expect.

I visited, for the third (and certainly last) time today their store at 329 Route de Phillippevile, Couillet. Its just outside Charleroi, where the airport is.

It opens at 10am. The first time I visited (at 10:05) a couple of years ago, the staff where all having a smoke in the kitchen, and would not speak to me. After 5 minutes I gave up and left. The second time I visited, I got served but  my fries were cold, and the box contained the wrong burger. Today, The fries were, as expected, cold, and I was told to wait 5 minutes for my burger. After 10 minutes, and after barging past a queue, I eventually got my burger. I didn't enjoy it very much. This is absolutely normal, and the biggest queue of people in any Belgian burger bar is the one of people holding a tray of fries and soft drink, waiting for their burgers

I was stranded in Thionville in France once, because of snow. Leaving my "motel" I tried to find food. I found a Quick. The sign on the door advised me of the opening time,  but 10 minutes later the doors were still locked. They opened 15 minutes after my arrival - 25 minutes after the stated opening time. They were not, however, selling any food at all, and in fact the girl who was taking my order was unable to explain what they did actually have to offer.

Another Belgian burger anecdote: A teenager of my aquaintance ordered some food at a McDonalds outlet, and of course the burger was not ready. "It will be 5 minutes", he was told.

After 10 minutes, and in the Belge tradition, he went in search of his burger, and the following conversation took place...

Teenager "Can I have my burger now, please?"

Staff  "Its not my problem, I didn't take your order. Who did?" 

Teenager "I can't see her"

Staff  "What was her name?"

Teenager "I don't know..." 

Staff  "Then you are stupid, aren't you?"

Teenager "You call me stupid, but its you that ended up working in a burger bar!"

I will end with another Quick story. It was a Sunday afternoon another Quick store in Brussels. Someone had spilled a trail of soft drink across the width of the restaurant. A staff member spent about 10 minutes folding tissues and laying them in a long line along the length of the spill. I wondered why she didn't use the mop standing in a bucket behind the till...


Burger King deserve a mention too, of course!  
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-10699456

Lunchtime with Andrea Bocelli

Today was special.

This lunchtime, in the European Parliament, we had a presentation by the office of the Mayor of Rome. It was no ordinary presentation.... after a screening of a short film by Franco Zaferreli, we were honoured with a recital by Andrea Bocelli. Really - Bocelli, in the flesh, and as brilliant as you could ever imagine.

I even forgot about my anger at having my pocket picked by scumbags (4th time - same scumbags) yesterday.

I saw some impressive performances in my time - I was personally honoured to be able to arrange a concert in the Parliament myself last year, by the superb Ukrainian pianist Dmytro Sukhovienko ( http://www.cartwright.eu.com/node/24  ) - but this was the first time I saw Bocelli. Absolutely superb!

WW1 project - a worthy endeavour from VRT

I had dinner with a Belgian policeman a little while ago - he is a nice guy, and it was very interesting. The Belgian plod are generally very good, and they do concentrate on dealing with crime, unlike the British police who seem to exist for the sole purposes of policing bus lanes, and harrassing drivers on motorways. (Having said that, I was actually threatened with arrest for jaywalking in Brussels a couple of months ago. The fact that I could not stop laughing at being chastised by a policeman clutching 2 bags of groceries, and the stupidity of having to wait for a green man at a time when there was no traffic on the road, probably did not weigh in my favour. But I got away with a warning.)

My policeman chum was bit cynical about my knowledge of Flanders, and was trying to wind me up, albeit in a friendly way. "I bet you never heard of Flanders until you came here.." he suggested. I assured him that I had, but he didn't really believe me. "I know about England, but what do you know about Flanders?" he asked with a sneer.

The British resolve slipped a tad at this point...

"My Great-Grandfather is buried in Flanders" I told him. "Unlike some I could mention, he fought and died for Belgium, and it wasn't even his country"

It was the ultimate  shut the f*ck up moment.

Although they didn't really take part in it themselves, the Belgians are very respectful about the victims of the Great War - probably more so than younger generations of Brits are. The Belgian broadcaster VRT is running an interesting project, and I think it might be worth bookmarking and following, as it provides the opportunity for folk with first-hand experiences to post thier thoughts. There will be sadly few of those, but I suspect they will be fascinating, and worth preserving.

Find it here....

http://www.deredactie.be/cm/vrtnieuws.english/GreatWar/091103_intro_to_VRT%2Bproject

Hail to Global Warming!

It hit 37 degrees in Brussels yesterday. Then in the evening we were treated to a truly spectacular event.... rain so heavy that it looked like fog - visibility was about 6 feet, and that is no exaggeration. Then the hail storm began, accompanied by thunder and lightning - it was marvellous!

My work brings me into contact with about half the world's climate change deniers. These are largely poorly informed people who collectively regurgitate the same few dodgy interpretations of "evidence" over and over again. "Global warming must be a lie - this chart I found on the internet shows clearly that Chipping Norton had its coldest afternoon ever on April 5th 2008" is the sort of nonsense we get to hear. Again, and again, and again...

I never once met a denier who had any kind of academic background in the subject. Funny that...

Environmentalism is not my main subject, although I did go back to Uni not so long ago to study international environmental policy. I found that every committee in the European Parliament has to factor environmental concerns into its policy-making processes, and I needed to gain a greater understanding of the subject. I also discovered very quickly that it is a fascinating and rewarding subject to study. One of the basics of environmental science is that rising temperatures lead to increased precipitation. Its a fact that is almost as absolute as the existence of gravity, and it explains why we are experiencing so many extreme weather events at the moment.

It also explains last night's mid-July hailstorm. Armageddon, it seems, will be spectacular!

Belgium: you have to love it (or the police will be round).

For almost 2 weeks there has been some construction work taking place outside the European Parliament. A stage is being constructed for a concert tonight, which will celebrate the start of the Belgian Presidency of the EU.

!.2 million euros is being spent on this. About 3 miles away, Boulevard General Jaques, a main arterial route, is closed off. The road, you see, has collapsed into the sewers. This is not uncommon in Brussels. The roads are pot-holed and inadequate, but Belgium is teetering on the verge of national bankruptcy with its defecit now approaching 100% of GDP. But there is always money available for the state to tell the people how good everything is, and so that is why we have a concert.

The local businesses are not best pleased about this.

Place de Luxembourg, outside the Parliament, is the centre of social life in the district. It is particularly busy at this time because of the World Cup, which draws customers to the bars.

On Wednesday, the 10 bar owners in "The Square", as it is known, received instructions to clear their terraces of tables and chairs for the day. This is a mammoth task, as most tables are outside. They are also under orders not to have any television screens visible from the street, lest they distract the revellers at this expensive "Isn't Belgium Great" spectacle.

One owner told me that he will have to lay off 6 waiting staff tonight - all students who probably need the money. Non-compliance with this order will result in "police action".

There will be trapeze artists, a light show, dancers, and fireworks.

Amusingly, it is pouring in Brussels as I write, and the forecast is for more of the same.

Such a pity!

The 9:15 to Bedlam

What is it about being in Brussels that makes people act so stupidly? Almost every day I see something that amazes me, and today is no exception. I note that a sign has appeared on the front door of the European Parliament effectively explaining to people that it is not a train station. Is that an easy mistake to make? I don't think so.

I can't imagine anybody entering central lobby at Westminster and asking where they can get a train to Ipswich, for example. Here is a picture of the European Parliament - does it like like a train station?

Apparently the mistake is made often enough here for the apparatchiks to feel the need to put up a sign about it.

There must be something in the water, I guess.

Told you so!

 Maybe I should become a football pundit... my predictions about England's chances in the World Cup were pretty accurate! But then I guess it doesn't take an expert to work out what will happen - poor performance and lame excuses.

What really annoys me is that millions of young English kids look on these guys as role models. And what do they get? Talentless and whinging overpaid no-hopers.

England's World Cup bid, let us remember, started with a goalkeeper who dropped the ball, conceding a goal. Now I can accept that even professional goalies make mistakes - maybe they dive the wrong way, or they misjudge the curve of the ball. They are not, however, at this level, supposed to drop the f*****g football!

Wayne Rooney, who we are told is a good footballer, played like a crumpet, and had the gall to criticise the England fans, who had paid a lot of money to go and see him play, for booing his appalling performance. Perhaps he should take early retirement like the rest of his dysfunctional family who effectively retired the day they left school.

That was below pathetic. 3 goals in 4 games? This was the World Cup finals, chaps. Less than minimum effort won't cut it. Thats why you are all going home in disgrace.

It is telling that the pundits are even getting nostalgic for the days of David Beckham. Ah yes... David Beckham, who tripped over whilst running up to take a vital penalty in a key match.

As for Fabrice Acappela or whatever his name is, he resembles a cross between Freddie Garrity and a Thunderbirds puppet. He has reassured us, apparently, that he will not be resigning. Well that's a bloody shame.

The highlight of the World Cup so far was sitting in the middle of a huge group of German fans, cheering for Serbia. I suspect that one may come back to bite me on the ar*e on Sunday.

I tried to explain to a Spanish friend after the game the very special relationship we English enjoy with the Germans. It may be something to do with working in the EU institutions, but I really do get the impression that we Brits are the only people in Europe to have any accurate recollection of the 20th century whatsoever. I find those old UKIP myths about Europe tediously dull, but it is absolutely true that in the European Parliament WW2 has been referred to as the "European Civil War". It is also the case that there were, apparently, no Germans involved at all. It was the Nazis, you see!

But surely my favourite moment was during a meeting of the EP Security and Defence sub-committee back in 2004. The Ukrainian "Orange Revolution" was in full swing, and there were real concerns that Russia might invade in order to partition the country. A rather fat German MEP stood up and called for the EU to send troops to act as a "blocking force".

There was a flaw in this plan... the EU did not actually have an army.

I was reminded of another mad German politician, 60 years before, who wanted to send non-existent troops to stop the Russians.

Politics: only the faces change!

The photo, incidentally, has nothing to do with the story, but aren't they great :)

Perks of the job.

My job is not without its perks, I have to admit. The main one is that I get to share my days with some of the most highly educated and well-connected people in Europe, something that makes even living in Belgium worthwhile.

And so it was that I got to watch the opening game of the World Cup with the ambassadors of South Africa, Namibia, and the Congo. This was followed by a fascinating conversation with a charming poet from Sierra Leone, and then dinner with my closest friends. Not even a night out in the Old Kent Road can beat that.

As I write, England have yet to play their first game, so I suppose we can look forward to a few days of broken feet, yellow cards, and missed penalties. This will inevitibly be followed by the usual agonising "If Alaska lose by more than 8 goals to Peru, and if Germany draw against Hawaii, and if we can beat Tongo, we can still qualify for the quarter finals on goal difference..."

I've got a great strategy for the rebirth of English football. Score goals, win games. Its surely that simple.

I wish I hadn't signed a contract with Belgacom

Think back to the 1970s, when telephone services in the UK were run by the GPO. It was pretty dire, right?

Fast forward to the 21st century, and in Belgium we have something called "Belgacom". Now imagine the GPO, but without any desire to help their customers at all, and you might get an idea of what it is like trying to get anything to work.

Belgacom controls everything in my home - TV, telephone, internet access, the lot. I consider it to be a bit too expensive, but what really irritates me are all the little boxes and the miles of wiring that fill my home to service all this technology.

If anything goes down, it is a nightmare to get it fixed. We had to call an engineer out recently - the call out was free, "but you 'ave to pay 70 euros because 'ee was zere..." Their box was broken, but I had to pay.

Tonight I wanted to watch the news. I have about 100 channels - all pure garbage - except for BBC1, which is the only channel I look at. Tonight the service is "temporairement indisponible", which is French for "It don't work". None of it works, the whole service is off the air. Nearly 100 euros a month, and it doesn't bloody work.

I used to get TCM as part of the package, which meant I could at least watch an old, half-decent movie from time to time.  Without any reference to me, the customer, it was withdrawn, and now I have Al Jazeera, and some other Arabic channel that I have no interest in whatsoever. I suppose this reflects the changing demographics in Belgium. I would complain, but that would make me a racist, of course.


Every expat, of whatever nationality, has their own story about wasted days waiting for a Belgacom engineer, call-out charges, hostile customer services, etc. 


I only wanted to watch the bloody news, I can't even do that in this dump.

Taking to the streets!

Some years ago I took part in a protest outside a police station in Minsk. This was probably one of the hairiest of political activities I have ever engaged in, but I have to admit it was all rather good fun. Certainly more fun than getting one's head cracked open on the streets of St Petersburg for being gay, or for exercising the right to protest in public, as guaranteed under Article 31 of the constitution.

On Monday, the Green Party organised a small protest outside the Russian mission to the EU, to show solidarity with the Russian protesters, who were at that very moment being beaten about the head, and having their extremities fed to large police dogs.

The Belgian police showed up, and of course would not allow us near the mission. When I say "us", actually I have to admit that they had no problem with me, as I was wearing a suit. The Greens were wearing what Greens usually wear, and so the police moved them away from the mission. And so it was, in true Belgian style, we demonstrated against human rights abuses in Russia outside a Metro station.

The EU takes the credit for Vitamin C !

This is not quite as good as "Comrade Stalin invented the internal combustion engine", which is my all time favourite piece of political bullshit, but its not so far off. Today in the European Parliament, an exhibition about famous Hungarians has gone up, on the ground floor, near the sandwich bar and the statue of an anorexic horse with a star on its back.

Its not a particularly big exhibition, and it misses out my pal from the parliament press room who once played a camp guard in Escape to Victory, but it is interesting enough.

But I think that claiming to have "invented vitamin C" is pushing it a bit far. Maybe it is a mistake - maybe it is not.

The European Commission claims that the EU has maintained peace in Europe since 1945, which another total piece of bullshit, although lots of people in the EU institutions do actually buy into this. Just like lots of Soviet kids grew up believing that Comrade Stalin invented the internal combustion engine....