Oy, Nutter!

'British Influence' is a recently formed pro-EU think tank. As a eurosceptic it is not an organisation I would normally engage in, but the Chairman is an old friend from Brussels, a Conservative, with whom eurosceptics have always enjoyed a good relationship.

I have been watching developments with interest, and it is a pleasure to see some reasoned debate in an area where, God knows, we could do with more facts and less factoids.

But UKIP knows differently. According to one UKIP MEP British Influence is a front for the 'Bilderburgs'.

In the land of the swivel-eyed loon, the Bilderburg group is a top secret organisation bent on taking over the world. It is the conspiracy theorists wet dream. UKIP love conspiracy theories, and the fact that only a bunch of nutters who left school at 15 really know the truth about what happened on 9/11 seems perfectly reasonable to them.

Having been around for a while, I thought I might compile a wee list to help you to identify nutters. As soon as your interlocutor raises any of the following, switch off and walk away.

1. The aforementioned Bilderburg Group.

2. The New World Order (NWO). If the average UKIPer knew what the Westphalian order is, then he or she would probably cling to the concept desperately. The Westphalian Order has had its day, chaps. Live with it!

2b. Its worth mentioning here that Global warming is apparently a myth designed to help the NWO to acheive world dominance, and reduce our living standards to those of the 3rd world. I have'nt quite worked out how this will happen in practice, but I don't intend losing sleep over it.

3. Zionist Occupational Government (ZOG). This is really big in the US and Russia, but it crops up sometimes in the EU debate. Basically, Zionists are taking over the world according to the nutters. This leads us nicely into item 4....

4. Jews. When you get to know a nutter really well (which I do not advise), conversation will eventually turn to the Jews. I used to edit a UKIP magazine 'Bulletin From Brussels', and I made the mistake of putting my mobile number in it. The phone calls from tortured souls would come late at night. They would tell me "what you should do..." and the subject of Jewish Bilderbergers in the European Commission would soon come up.

5. EUrabia. The muslims are apparently also trying to take over the world now. Muslims have the advantage in that they are often darker-skinned than the average paranoid extremist, and so are easily identifiable. Its easier to fear and hate someone if they look a bit different.

6. Freemasons. A UKIP official, a really nice guy, and one of the brighter ones by a long way, once gave me a bit of a lecture on the sinister implications of masonic symbols on US dollar bills. He actually managed to link the adoption of the Eye of Providence in 1782 with the destruction of the World Trade Centre. This was a hell of a stretch, but he did it. Now, just ask yourself, is that what you want in Westminster?