My heart sinks when I turn on Radio 4 and the cricket is on. It happened this morning, although I wasn't sure what I was listening to at first. Some posh bloke and a West Indian chatting about shirts, apparently. But then it all came into focus when the latter started to talk about the days when he only owned one set of whites.
After some minutes of this inane drivel, the posh bloke announced 'Well, this must be the longest drinks break in history...' Well I'm very sorry, Rupert, but this does not make for good listening. Is this really the reason other people pay the licence fee?
But Radio 4 can be even worse, of course. The Archers. This series has been running continuously for 125 years, and still nothing has happened. A bunch of yokels prattling endlessly on about the village féte and the price of slurry. Does nobody ever get laid in Ambridge?
But to really plumb the depths of broadcasting, there is one programme, and yes, it is on Rodio 4, that surely cannot be beaten for sheer inanity.
Gardener's Fucking Question Time.
What in God's name is that all about?
'Oh, I'd like to ask the panel, where is the best place to plant my begonias?' You can stick 'em up your arse as far as I'm concerned, mate. If its such a problem for you, and if you are really losing sleep over this, then Google it. Tosser. Who listens to this? It is surely a good argument against retirement.
Radio 4 is great for drama, news, and above all, comedy. There is nothing comical however about switching on the radio to hear those chilling words 'And now, the weekend omnibus edition of the Archers." There is nothing dramatic about listening to the posh bloke describing the three pigeons basking in the sun by the boundary, while the bowler walks purposefully, the ball in his hand, etc, etc.
But as for Gardener's Fucking Question Time, I tried, I really did, to listen to a whole show in the hope of extrapolating a single moment of interest or excitement. But it was to no avail.
Here's a thought: go and listen to a channel that suits your tastes and leave the subtle charms of radio 4 to people like me who actually rather enjoy the slower, more thoughtful broadcast, and who value the all round experience offered by the channel.
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