Brussels Blog

It happens.....

2012-01-07T10:09:00.001+01:00

I had a bit of an unusual start to my day. I was walking through Parc Leopold this morning, quite early, when the parrots arrived. This park is home to a large colony of bright green parrots that I am rather fond of. They make a heck of a spectacle as they dart noisily around Brussels in close formation - they can turn up anywhere at any time, but Parc Leopold is where they call home.

About 100 of them were heading towards me, and I was on high ground so I figured they would pass pretty close. As they flew overhead I looked up, and one of the little bastards shat in my eye!

I hate it when that happens.

Back in 2004 I had a similar experience with an owl. This was particularly remarkable as it happened in Rotherhithe, and east London is not a place usually associated with owls. As a result of this I am probably one of the very few people on God's earth who knows what owl shit tastes like.

My grandmother always used to tell me that it was good luck - although getting a faceful of partially digested rodent entrails is probably the kind of luck that most of us can do without.

Some are more equal than others....

2012-01-05T19:35:00.002+01:00

I am really pleased that Prince Phillip, who I have always regarded as a bit of a national treasure, is up and on the prowl after his recent heart scare.

I am also delighted that the NHS was able to scramble a helicopter to take him to Papworth for the best treatment available in Britain.

But I must ask..... if a 90 year old bloke from a council estate had an identical problem, would he have had identical treatment? Or would he have had to go through NHS Direct before being taken by ambulance to his local General Hospital before being put on a trolley with a little note on the end of it saying "Do Not Resucitate"?

I think I know the answer to that question.

Drunk, or just stupid?

2011-12-19T10:35:00.001+01:00

A friend thankfully survived a horrific car crash two weeks ago with minor injuries. Sitting at a red traffic light near to Zaventum airport, a drunk ploughed into the back of his car at 130kph. His car pretty much disintegrated.

There is no social stigma attached to drink-driving in Belgium, and it is a huge problem. Even as a pedestrian I have had a couple of terrifying moments here. But it is not just drink - Belgian drivers are, generally, ignorant, selfish, and of dubious competence. Coupled with roads that the Congolese would be ashamed of, its a dangerous mix.

Driving back from France a few days ago we encountered seriously heavy rain. Most Belgian motorways are made of concrete, and it would appear that no thought at all was given to surface water drainage when they were 'designed'. Potholes abound, and the motorway lights don't, for the most part, work.

In these conditions I found myself about 10 yards behind a transit van, at about 80kph, a lorry to my right throwing up water, and visibility virtually nil. Its not nice, I can assure you.

And so then I encountered an example of Belgian driving at its most typical. The frantic flashing of lights behind me told me that one of these morons desperately needed to get past me in a hurry. Now there is nothing I enjoy more than having some insignificant little gobshite trying to intimidate me. 'Being intimidated' is not something I do well, and so I treated him with the contempt he deserved and flicked up my mirror. It was neither the time or place for slowing him down further and inviting him to join me on the hard shoulder for a knuckle sandwich.

When the van and I cleared the lorry, needless to say our tailgater promptly overtook us on the inside before disappearing in a cloud of spray.

Belgium has a higher rate of road fatalities per capita than even Portugal - and anybody who has driven on the motorways there will know how special an experience that can be. Eastern European countries also fare badly, but it is interesting to note which are the countries with the lowest rates - the UK, Germany, and the Netherlands. I probably do not need to speculate on why that might be.

The lowest of all fatality rates is in Malta. It is hard to crash a donkey, I guess.

Graham Booth

2011-12-16T10:05:00.001+01:00

I was genuinely saddened to learn of the passing of the former South West MEP Graham Booth this week.

I shared offices with Graham in Brussels for about 3 years, I always enjoyed his company, and especially his politically incorrect sense of humour. He was very popular with staff, and I well remember the afternoon when we held a surprise birthday party for him. In those days we were a close-knit team, and there was a real sense of comraderie which I miss.

We didn't always see eye to eye - Graham was an avowed climate change denier, his position being based on a CSE in astronomy. I loved to wind him up on the subject, but his position was unshakable.

When the Royal British Legion in Brussels was struggling with membership and calling for numbers in order to keep the branch open, Graham was one of the first two MEPs to sign up, the other being Tom Wise.

Sadly, things went wrong during his final months in Brussels. I was disappointed to receive a phone call from a UKIP branch official in the South West informing me that Graham was calling around telling everybody that I and two other staffers were MI5 agents. I don't hold it against him, I know exactly from where these bilious lies emanated.

Graham put a lot into UKIP, in financial terms and also in terms of his personal time and energy. He was absolutely committed to the cause of British independence. His retirement was cut short, but knowing Graham, I suspect he enjoyed every minute of it!

My Own Personal Gulag.

2011-12-06T18:15:00.001+01:00

I had an hour to kill before a meeting so I took a stroll along Chausee de Wavre in search of a bit of breakfast. This is not easy to find in Brussels, as these guys have no idea of what a real breakfast is.

I dream of sitting down at the Lion's Den cafe, just around the corner from the Den in Bermondsey. I love the bustle, the light-hearted banter, the endless speculation about David Beckham's left foot - and the bacon and eggs go down a treat too.

In Brussels it is different. Stunted men, dressed in mustard coloured suits and sporting strange facial hair, sit silently staring at the wall. There is no banter here. Breakfast consists of various forms of bread, none of which I like. Croissants are, I have to say, ghastly.

Anyway, needing a bite, I bought a pain saucisse. This slightly resembles a sausage roll. It can be eaten cold, which is awful as these things are very greasy. Having it hot means microwaved so that the pastry goes all soggy. Either way, it is not nice. I had one anyway and threw half of it away and wished I were back in the real world.

So next time you sit down to a good fry-up, think of me.

Space, the final Lebensraum

2011-11-17T13:31:00.001+01:00

Strasbourg is a city that changes ownership from time to time, and this is reflected in the TV channels available in its hotels. There is a mix of French and German language programmes.

I was delighted last night, whilst sitting in my room ruining my diet with a Chicken Tikka Pizza, to find an old episode of Star Trek dubbed into German.

Spock, in German, is utterly convincing. He is a sinister looking character to say the least, and so the accent suits him. All that is missing is the duelling scar.

My German is even worse than my French, so I have trouble following most of it, but I think they changed the script to suit German tastes. I may have made some errors, but I think it went like this:

Chekov: "Mein Kapitain, I have an unidentified craft on the port beam".

Kirk: "Assume an attacking position now, or I will have you shot".

Spock: "Kapitain, Sulu and Uhura are missing from their posts!"

Kirk: "They are not very well..."

Spock: "Why, what is wrong with them?"

Kirk: "I had them gassed, they are untermensch."

Chekov (swallowing loudly): "Kapitain, my mother may be Russian, but I promise you, my 18 fathers were all German soldiers."

(Image of unidentified craft now looms onto the screen)

Spock: "Achtung, Spitfire!"

Kirk: "We are done for......"

Spock:"Gott in Himmel, why do we Germans always lose?"

Kirk: "That was nothing to do with us Germans, it was the Nazis what done it."

Otis Redding and James Brown, no less....

2011-10-17T11:17:00.000+02:00

I noticed a poster yesterday, advertising a show at the Cirque royale on December 18th. It is to be a James Brown / Otis Redding tribute gig. According to the poster they are "Les Rois du Soul". Surely Brown is the Godfather of soul?

Redding, on the other hand - and I am big fan - was more than just a soul singer. I know that aficionados will take offence at this, but I regard soul as being a mere sub-genre of R n B, and I think Redding was a true giant of R n B. He was also a great icon for the Mods, both in the 60s and during their late 70s reincarnation.

What I find really interesting about this poster is that it announced that no less than 10 singers will be performing the songs of the two great men. One of them will be Johnny Logan. That's right, the Irish Eurovision guy.

I know that Irish performers are real pros, but how is this going to work?

Is he going to do Brown, Redding, or both?

On the poster, the picture of Brown is not one of his best - actually he looks like he himself is doing a tribute gig - a tribute to Ella Fitzgerald.

Of course, in an ideal world Logan will black up a la Jolson, but we all know that ain't gonna happen. I saw the Black and White Minstrels once. Not all of them, but a sort of chamber version. They were on the bill with Tommy Cooper, and it was a great show.

I will probably go along on the 18th, partly out of curiosity, although at the moment I am a bit more concerned with getting a ticket to see Wanda Jackson next week. Wanda is not as young as she once was, but I guess none of us are. She still does a great show though.

Energy Diplomacy

2011-10-05T10:32:00.001+02:00

Jimmy Carter has been in the parliament this week, but sadly I missed him. I'm told he looks remarkably well.

One person I did not miss was Dr Stanislav Zhinin, a Moscow based expert on energy policy, and on energy diplomacy. He discussed the tree different approaches to energy diplomacy - US policy is driven by the energy companies themselves, the EU approach he described with a wry grin as "conceptual", whilst Russia, he admitted, might be perceived as having a politically led approach.

I was present in 2009 when Gazprom adopted an 'empty chair' approach to negotiations with the EU over the Ukrainian shut-offs. Whilst MEPs, the press corps, and half the Ukrainian government crammed themselves into a meeting room and ranted, Alexy Miller simply didn't show up. The whole thing was brilliantly choreographed by the Russians, and the humiliation of Ukraine was a significant factor in the replacement of the Yukoshenko government with the Kremlin's puppet Yanukovych.

Without a common energy policy, the EU will always lose out to the Russians. But this needs to be not an EU common policy, but one based on international treaty, and which includes states such as Ukraine, Georgia, and Turkey. This would have the effect of pulling up standards of business practice in certain countries, whilst greatly reducing the vulnerability of peripheral states. It would also do to Russia what they seek to do to all their customers - it would marginalise them.

But don't hold your breath on this one....

Apropos of nothing -Something from Kipling that I just might happen to empathise with...

2011-10-04T23:29:00.001+02:00

The dark eleventh hour

Draws on and sees us sold

To every evil power

We fought against of old -

Rebellion, rapine, hate,

Oppression, wrong and greed

Are loosed to rule our fate

By England's art and deed.

The faith in which we stand,

The laws we made and guard,

Our honour, lives, and land

Are given for reward

To murder done by night

To treason taught by day,

To folly, sloth, and spite,

And we are thrust away.

The blood our fathers spilt,

Our love, our toils, our pains

Are counted us for guilt

And only bind our chains -

Before an Empire's eyes

The traitor claims his price.

What need of further lies?

We are the sacrifice.

We know the war prepared

On ever peaceful home

We know the hells prepared

For such as serve not Rome

The terror, threats, and bread

In market, hearth, and field -

We know, when all is said,

We perish if we yield.

Believe we dare not boast,

Believe we dare not fear:

We stand to pay the cost

In all that men hold dear.

What answer from the North?

One Law, One Land, One Throne!

If England drives us forth

We shall not fall alone.

Abandoning the Commonwealth...

2011-09-28T16:05:00.001+02:00

Britain's leading position in international trade was built primarily on networks of private businesses. It was not until the 1930s that these began to be replaced by governmental networks. Traditional networks, and here we can include the Commonwealth, were erode during the 1950s and the 1960s. It was also at this time that we began to see the end of the London Docks as a major hub for global trade. Rotterdam has replaced London.

Politically, the tide also turned against the Commonwealth. The failed adventure in Suez in 1956, (which involved the invasion of a former Commonwealth state), brought into question Britain's position as a leading world power. Then when the Macmillan government ceased investing in traditional partnerships, and began to move towards Europe, the African dominions were largely abandoned economically and forced to develop new links and trading blocs.

Canada, which had the second largest economy in the Commonwealth, was already more closely tied with the US in economic terms. Australia, which tried to turn to London for much needed development aid after the Second World War had been refused and instead took a loan from the World Bank of $100 million in 1950. This was due to the inability of Britain to resume its place on the world stage as a major capital exporter. Efforts to persuade Britain to invest in other development projects met with little success - the money was simply not there - and so commonwealth states were forced to turn to the US. Canada had become a significant capital exporter, although its investments were mainly in the US. Britain's inability to supply capital was replaced by the 1960s with unwillingness. Britain was rapidly losing face, and the Commonwealth states were rapidly developing new networks.

Harold Wilson made some half-hearted attempts to restore the trade networks with the Commonwealth, but these were unsuccessful. When Macmillan began the process of applying for EEC membership, he was forced to scrap Commonwealth food preferences in favour of the Common Agricultural Policy. (Britain had promised that in negotiations with the EEC, Commonwealth food preferences would remain in place, but did not deliver on the promise). Nations that depended on exporting to the UK, such as New Zealand, were faced with losing their markets. In agricultural exports, as in finance, the Commonwealth states were forced to develop new networks.

Some minimal compensation was obtained for those countries that lost their markets when we did eventually join the EEC, and it is interesting to note that some of them, including New Zealand, are to be compensated for loss of trade as a result of Romanian and Bulgarian accession.

Does the Commonwealth need us?

Too often, when people talk about turning to the Commonwealth, they really mean 'English speaking white people'. When Nigel Farage, in answer to President Barroso's state of the union address today, spoke about the Commonwealth as our "Kith & Kin", I wonder exactly how he is related to the people of Rwanda, Pakistan, Nigeria, Lesotho, Tonga etc.

The Canadian economy is now largely integrated with that of the US, and the country is a member of NAFTA. Australia is emerging fast, and the Australia - Japan Free Trade Agreement is probably far more interesting to them than an attempted rapprochement with a tired and disoriented country on the other side of the world. Those who long for the days of the old Commonwealth are missing one vital fact - the partners we abandoned in the middle of the last century want to live in the future, not the past. They simply don't need us!

Collapse of the Eurozone?

2011-09-21T15:59:00.000+02:00

A very interesting meeting today at which the possibility of the breakup of the Eurozone was discussed.

There are a number of factors, each rather serious, that have combined to make a crisis appear inevitible. Lack of agreement on the European Stabilisation Fund (ESF) that means it is still not operational, uncertainty even at this stage as to the size of the fund, the state of public´finances, and of European banks.

We learned that the 3 largest American banks have a combined debt equal to 35% of US GDP. The 3 largest French banks have a combined debt of 250% of GDP. France is also likely to see its triple A rating downgraded in coming weeks.

Across Europe the picture looks grim. Unemployment is rising in Belgium against a backdrop of a deficit of around 100% of GDP. Unemployment in Spain is at 22%.

No nation has ever recovered from such a crisis as Greece now faces without substantial devaluation of its currency. But Greece cannot do that, as it is in the Eurozone.

Hopes are being pinned on the issue of Eurobonds - but wait for this one - Eurobonds are illegal under German constitutional law, and so the economic driver cannot touch them. 80% of Germans now oppose Merkel's policies on supporting the Eurozone, and the Bundesbank is openly criticising the European central Bank and EU policy.

Four options appear to be open to the Eurozone. To sit back and take more of the same, fighting crisis after crisis until the money runs out. Greater political union. Exit of the weaker economies. Exit of the stronger economies. There are more cons than pros to each of these options, and it is hard to see how any of them could overcome their inherent problems.

These are interesting times, and whichever way one looks at it, it is hard to see a way forward for the Eurozone.

Cartwright to the Rescue! The last thing a woman needs....

2011-09-18T10:59:00.003+02:00

For a 6 year old boy, scrumping apples for the purpose of feeding goats is a bit of a hoot. And so yesterday George and I headed for the Maximillian Park, a city farm in the centre of Brussels.

When we arrived it was closing. This was 7 hours earlier than the advertised time, but in Brussels this is quite unremarkable. Nobody here can do a full day's work, which explains why the country is so poor. George was a bit disappointed, so we visited a shop where I bought him a lolly. This was a bit of an unusual lolly in that it came with a large pair of joke lips attached. I was thinking of getting one for myself, but instead I settled on a can of Saudi Arabian Vimto.

Leaving the shop, we passed the gates of the farm, and this is where it gets good. One would assume that before closing for the day the staff might actually check that there was nobody still on the premises. But remember - this is Brussels.

And so we found a distraught young woman and an equally distraught child trying to get out of the farm. We went to help.

You really have to see this from the perspective of the mother. She is trapped, with a girl who I would guess was about 4 years old, surrounded by goats and sheep, and it is starting to rain. All is lost - but wait - here comes help! At this moment, probably the last thing a lady in distress needs is a bloke in a lurid Hawaiian shirt and a Stetson hat, accompanied by a 6 year old Mick Jagger impersonator. At this point both mother and daughter began to weep.

We were able to give her the telephone number posted outside the farm for emergencies.She got through to a voicemail message that informed her that Jean-Luc would be on holiday until August 25th.

It is very important at such times not to laugh. Sadly I let the side down a bit at this point.

Then her family began to arrive.The lady, who I was starting to get rather fond of, appears to be descended from what I can only decribe as a line of pantomime Arabs. Only Peter Ustinov was missing from the cast now, and even George was starting to realise that we were living through moments that could never possibly have been planned better, and that were unlikely ever to be repeated.

Then the wailing started. To be fair it was not much of a wail, and it was only one lady, but to me it signified the pinnacle of a marvellous afternoon's entertainment. I suggested that it might be appropriate to call the police, at which point two shifty looking guys vanished at great speed.

Eventually George and I said goodbye to our friends. Fortunately the rain passed in minutes, and I hope they managed to escape. I may pass by later today just to see....

The Alternative Reality Party?

2011-09-05T11:39:00.000+02:00

A study by the University of Cardiff has revealed that 82% of Britons are in favour of wind energy. The Danish island of Samsø takes 100% of its elecricity from wind power, and now exports energy to the mainland, and guess what - the lights don't go out when the wind stops blowing! Last year, wind generated elecricity in Spain peaked briefly at 52% of total national demand. UKIP, however, has a different take on all this. A few years ago an e-mail was circulated by a UKIP member stating that it takes a single wind turbine 2 years to generate enough electricity to boil a kettle. Most famously, a UKIP researcher once wrote that wind turbines adversely affect the rotation of the Earth.

UKIP is now in danger of becoming the 'Alternative Reality' party.

The party's Head of Policy is one Christopher Monckton, a man who has recently been chastised for pretending to be a member of the House of Lords. Prior to the Copenhagen conference he claimed to have seen a secret treaty that would be signed by world leaders handing over power to a new world government. That this failed to happen, is something he has yet to address. His testimony to the US Congress on climate change was greeted with derision, and he was again humiliated over his claim to be a member of the House of Lords.

On the day the eurosceptic MEP Derk-jan Eppink presented his excellent book 'Bonfire of Bureaucracy in Europe' in Brussels, UKIP MEPs were supporting the launch of a book about the Bilderburg group. Personally, I am not particularly worried about the activities of an NGO, but some seem to think that this group is planning world domination. Another one of those 'secret governments'?

Society needs dissent. Dissent is good for debate, and it is good for democratic integrity, as it keeps the centre ground fluid. A stagnant polity is vulnerable in terms of the strength of its democratic process. Dissenters come in two types - 'disclosers', who are there to challenge the system and ensure transparency, and 'contrarians', who serve little purpose at all. UKIP now falls into the latter category, with all received wisdom seemingly being rejected on no firm basis whatsoever. This is a great shame, as UKIP made a huge contribution by being the catalyst and rallying point for many thousands of people who felt that their voices were not being heard, or that their concerns about the EU were not being taken seriously. Good people who had grown disillusioned with the established parties got out onto the streets, delivered leaflets, challenged their MPs, and stood in elections they knew they could never win. The contribution of UKIP to British politics has been immense - that makes it even sadder to see what the party has now become.

A Belgian Bailout?

2011-08-19T14:31:00.001+02:00

The Belgian parliament has been recalled to discuss the country's deepening financial crisis, and the Financial Services Authority (FSA) in the UK has asked British banks to give full details of their exposure to Belgian debt.

The Belgian stock market index has fallen to a two year low, and two weeks ago €7 billion was wiped off the value of shares in a single day. Dexia Bank reported a loss of € 4billion in the second quarter of this year, more than the bank is actually worth (3.2 billion).

Against this background, the Belgian government is uncertain as to who should draw up the budget for 2012!

The whispers are that Belgium will be seeking a bail-out before the end of the year.

A sad sight.....

2011-08-15T12:21:00.000+02:00

In Rotherhithe, at Surrey Docks, we have a terrific little farm where kids can go and interact with the animals. They get to muck out stables, collect eggs, milk cows etc. There is a little café and a working blacksmith - its a great resource.

So I thought I would take George to Brussels' equivilant, the Maximillian Park, just by Yser metro station. It is not quite the same.

I'm not sure what educational benefit there is in having 3 sheep surrounded by an electric fence, and the donkeys looked somewhat distressed to me. One of the goats was a bit lively, and feeding it an apple we scrumped from a nearby tree was the sum total of the interaction that was possible.

Possibly the saddest sight of all was what I can only describe as a hump-backed rabbit. It was either crossbred with a camel, or it had a cyst on it's back that must account for 20% of it's body weight.

The staff all appeared bored and indifferent, and I suspect they may not have much training in the animal field.

Its not often I would say this, but I do agree with the legislation that decrees that the primary function of a zoo should be education. The Maximillian Park appears to offer some courses in the Summertime, but I am not sure how interesting they may be given the dilapidated state of the premises and the livestock. When this legislation first became binding, the future looked bleak for Battersea Park zoo, until donors stepped in and saved the day. Its a shame that in Brussels, where the legislation emanated from, they are not so quick to apply the same standards that are demanded of the other member states.

Brussels has a bad record when it comes to zoos. Park Leopold used to be the city zoo, and it is now chiefly remembered for the appalling treatment of its elephant. Antwerp zoo, however, is very good and always well worth a visit.

If you do visit Maximillian park, ignore the bit on the website about it being open until 10pm during the summer - we were asked to leave at 4.50 pm because they were closing.

100,000 signatures. Now we want our say!

2011-08-09T09:37:00.000+02:00

At last, after a lot of hard work Nikki Sinclaire has amassed the 100,000 signatures that should prompt a debate on our continued membership of the EU in the House of Commons. Of course, Cameron is already trying to renege on his election promise, but that comes as no surprise to anybody. His 'Cast Iron Guarantee' of a referendum on the Lisbon treaty turned out to be nothing more than rhetoric - it appears that Mr Cameron's word is worth little - as he dropped that promise at the earliest opportunity.

So what does this mean?

Nikki also sponsored a YouGov poll at the weekend, in which 52% of respondents said that they would vote to leave the EU. There is clearly a lot of strong feeling about this, and the government is morally, if not legally, bound to heed the will of the majority. The 100,000 signatories do include a lot of UKIP members, but they also include those of other parties, including at least one senior Tory peer. Most of the signatories, however, signed up in the streets of towns and cities up and down the UK, online, or through the Sun, the Daily Mail, the Telegraph, or the many local newspapers that ran ads for the campaign.

The important thing now is not to allow the issue to be placed in a box. The establishment does have a convenient box, marked 'UKIP', in which it can deposit troublesome issues. Note how within the last week or so two issues have generated a great deal of debate - this referendum campaign and a similar one run by the Daily Express - and the HS2 high speed rail link. The UKIP leadership has never supported Nikki's campaign, and seems, according to a leaked e-mail from the leader's office, not to have a great deal of faith in referenda. UKIP also supported the idea of a high speed link in it's last manifesto. Now both issues are at the forefront, up to the plate comes Nigel Farage, who throws his 'weight' behind the Express campaign, and condemns HS2 without a thought for his own manifesto. Bingo - both issues are now consigned to the box marked 'UKIP', where they can be dismissed as peripheral.

We must not allow this to happen. This is the single most important political issue of the day. And here I am not actually referring to membership of the EU - as important as that is - but to the right of the people to expect that politicians will honour their pre-election promises. British politicians rightly criticised the EU for refusing to recognise the French, Dutch and Irish no votes on Nice, the Constitution, and Lisbon. It appears, however, that Mr Cameron has learned a lot from the Commission approach to democratic obligation.

The EU is, beleive it or not, struggling to get to grips with its own 'democratic deficit', and to address it, although it has some funny ways of going about it. In terms of democratic integrity it can never tick all the boxes and satisfy all its member states, as I would argue that it can never be a classical Liberal Democracy, which is the only form of democracy acceptable to we Brits. But while we criticise the EU, it is sad to note that our own country is slipping somewhat in its standards.

Let there be more petitions, lets keep piling them up on the Speaker's chair, and waving them outside the gates of Downing Street. Perhaps the British people are waking up at last!

Brussels - it's a Pane!

2011-07-26T11:55:00.000+02:00

As I made my way to work through the grey chilliness of a Belgian summer this morning, I stopped to watch a young lady trying to take the vertical measurement of a window. I would guess the height of the window at slightly over 20 feet. She was using a normal reel type tape measure, totally unsuited for the task. Of course it buckled as soon as she got it up more than about 4 feet above her hand. It was, I mused, somehat akin to trying to put cooked spaghetti up a cat's arse.

After a while, she gave up, looked around her, and then wrote something on a piece of paper and shuffled away. This large window was covered with a semi-transparent image, so I guess she was measuring it for a replacement.

I lived in Brussels long enough to know what will happen next.

The figures, which she made up, will be passed to a designer (in about 3 months). Sometime in early 2012, a guy will arrive with a wrongly sized vinyl image, which will have cost the taxpayer several grand (yes, it was a government building) and the whole thing will be the usual cock-up that we come to expect from the Bruxellois.

Eventually, of course, the window itself will quite likely fall out with potentially catastrophic consequences, as it was probably never the right size for the frame anyway. I remember a few years ago, one particularly windy afternoon when Avenue Louise - a major shopping street - was closed off because of window panes raining down from a new development. Brussels would be funny, in a Keystone Kops kind of a way, if it wasn't so bloody dangerous.

Energy Dependency - As Big A Threat As Terrorism?

2011-06-30T10:29:00.002+02:00

Yesterday was as hectic as they get. Sadly, a planned meeting with Prof Igor Jurgen's, advisor to President Medvedev, was delayed due to his being stuck in our wonderful Brussels traffic. I had another meeting to go to, and so I was unable to meet the man who famously declared that modernisation of Russia is “impossible under the supremacy of the Putin elite”’. I suspect we would have seen eye-to-eye on that one!

And so to the European Wind Energy Association in the company of the CEO of engineering giant 'Sarens', and a leading academic from the European Geopolitical Forum. The wind sector in the Ukraine is outgrowing its own infrastructure, and there is a need to develop the ability to export surplus wind generated energy. It was an interesting meeting. The Ukraine needs to end its dependency on Russia as much as we do.

Reliance on Russian energy is as big a threat to our security as is terrorism, I would argue. In August 2008 Russia demonstrated its willingness to use 'hard power' to enforce its supremecy in this area.

72 hours before the invasion of Georgia, a pumping staion in eastern Turkey was taken out by the PKK, a Moscow sponsored terrorist group. This was not widely reported in the west. Russian aircraft also bombed perilously close to Georgian pipelines outside of the disputed areas of Abkhazia and South Ossetia. Was this a dry run for an attack on western energy infrastructure?

Russia is also investing heavily in western nuclear programmes, in some cases, such as in Bulgaria, taking a controlling interest.

The much vaunted BTC pipeline is supposed to give the EU a certain amount of security of supply. The EU, however, quietly pretends not to notice the Russian naval bases at Tartus and Latakia, which face the receiving end of BTC...

Renewable energy is not just an environmental issue . it is about security of supply. Something we do not have at the moment.

The mouse that roared.

2011-06-22T11:47:00.001+02:00

"Belgium is dying. Behind the bland facade lies a failing state - a dying country which has never effectively functioned, and has finally become ungovernable. It's time to look forward to a world without Belgium".

So say the authors of the book 'After Belgium'. They are calling for independence for Flanders, with the French speaking Walloons being free to form their own republic. The Walloons are unlikely to want to go down this road, as their impoverished region is reliant on the industrious Flemings. Sadly, the French don't particularly want the Walloonies either.

I would love to see Belgium split, mainly because I live here, and it would be fascinating to watch it happen. An independent Flanders would probably be a great success, and there is a precedent in the successful split-up of Czechoslovakia. So let us watch and wait.....

Dambusters

2011-06-20T12:07:00.001+02:00

I just finished reading Max Arthur's "Dambusters". Based on first hand accounts of the crews, and others at RAF Scampton, as well as German civilians who experienced the deluge, this is an easy but superb read. It is impossible to imagine ourselves in the situation these men were in, but they help us understand how they were able to function, and to maintain a semblance of normality, with the threat of death hanging over them every day. I strongly recommend this book.

As a young air cadet I spent time at Scampton back in 1977. 617 squadron were flying Vulcans there in those days, and what magnificent aircraft they were. I subsequently worked mainly around Phantoms, but I was lucky enough to catch the tail-end of a previous generation of aircraft. I once fitted a gunsite camera into a Lightning - this aircraft was essentially a metal tube wrapped around two huge engines, with wings and a couple of redtop missiles bolted on. It could take-off at astonishing speed, and then climb vertically like a rocket. It was a seriously impressive piece of kit. I also saw Buccaneers, Victors, and once got to sit in the cockpit of an F-104 Starfighter. By the time I left the service, Tornadoes were taking over from the Phantom, and it was the end of an era.

ps, Guy Gibson's dog is buried outside one of the hangars at Scampton, and yes - he was called 'Nigger"!

Timo Soini to run for president?

2011-06-20T11:49:00.002+02:00

I think I actually admire Timo Soini. He is the Finnish MEP who resigned when his party, the True Finns, acheived a significant share of the vote in the country's recent general election. He had a reasonable expectation of entering government, probably at a high level. However, he refused to compromise his principles and allow his party to drop its opposition to EU bail-outs. “It would have been nice to be part of the government but you cannot betray yourself,” he said.

Compare that to the behaviour of UKIP.

Soini is essentially a nice chap, but I never realised he would be so principled. I have misgivings about allegations of racism, and his party contains some pretty eccentric types, but I now wish I had taken time to know him better when he was in Brussels. I still can't quite work out how a Finnish politician came to be a Millwall supporter, but hey, we need all the support we can get, so that's fine by us.

He has been re-elected as party leader, and it has just been announced that he is almost certain to run for president. It will be interesting to see how the electorate rewards him for his principled stand.

Daylight Robbery!

2011-06-05T16:26:00.000+02:00

Another one of those marvellous Belgian moments.....

I called into the pharmacy today to pick something up for my daughter. They had what I needed.

"It will cost 4 euros more today because it is Sunday" the lady told me.

"How much is it?" I asked.

"11 euros and 10 cents" she replied. I agreed to buy the product.

"11 euros 10 plus 4 euros, that will be 16 euros 35 cents" she stated.

"How can 11,10 + 4 be 16,35?" I asked.

Without any shame at all, she looked me in the eye and replied "It is extra tax!"

As I produced my credit card, she said (quietly so that her colleagues could not hear, maybe) "I can only take cash today."

Having seen the customer before me pay with a card, I questioned her about this. She shrugged and suggested I go to the cashpoint across the road and get her some readies.

Needless to say, at this point I decided that I had had enough of this rather unsophisticated attempt at theft, and left the shop empty handed.

Strauss-Kahn's Manifesto for an EU Utopia.

2011-06-01T13:09:00.000+02:00

Tempus Fugit is not just Dan Dare's spaceship! It's real, and it seems to be happening too fast.

The controversy surrounding Dominique Strauss-Khan made me think of his 'Building A Political Europe', published in 2004 at the very end of the Prodi Commission. It seems such a long time ago now, and so much has happened since the paper's publication. The face of the EU is barely recognisable from what it was in 2004. Strauss-Khan speculated on what was then the proposed constitution, and how it would enable future incumbents to create a "Utopia" (his word) for Europeans. It also lays down the challenge "We have built Europe: now let us build Europeans", which sounds a bit like something Pol Pot might have come out with if he had been born in France, and not one of it's protectorates.

The document was a eurosceptic's dream when it was published, and I recall being asked to write a précis by the MEP Jeffrey Titford. Sadly, this particular sitting target was never even noticed.

The paper is still worth reading, and it would be churlish to deny the insight and superb understanding of European politics that Strauss-Khan demonstrates. It does, however, read like an extremist manifesto. It also introduced into mainstream debate issues such as a European Tax, and the concept of super-constituencies, and their attendant Pan-European parties (which have actually been with us since 1992)..

The EU tax is still on the table - although it does already exist in a small way in the form of VAT - the Constitution is with us, under another name, and the super-constituencies are being debated at this very moment.

I enjoyed reading the paper again after all these years, but a word of warning - this has nothing to do with democracy as we in Great Britain know it!

FUTURUS

2011-05-31T10:23:00.000+02:00

It was nice to meet up with some old friends as well as some current colleagues at a recent meeting in London to discuss the relaunch of FUTURUS, the think tank.

One of the many criticisms that has come out of the recent civil war in UKIP is the lack of academic integrity and a reliance on outdated arguments. FUTURUS will not be a UKIP project as such, that would not help our case at all, it will be non-party political, but with strong eurosceptic leanings.

There are certain policy areas in which eurosceptics are provided with rows of open goals. Sadly these are all too often missed, amongst the shadow chasing and in-fighting that dominates our slice of political space. FUTURUS is not the only such project emerging at present, and I think we can look forward to a long-awaited refreshment and rejuvination of our platform.

I was delighted to receive a copy of the new book ”Too ‘nice’ to be Tories?: How the modernisers have damaged the Conservative party” by Anthony Scholefield and Gerald Frost. The author's analysis of the flawed reasoning behind the modernisation of the Conservative party is extremely interesting and their arguments convincing. I strongly recommend it.

Enjoying my second childhood!

2011-05-31T10:18:00.001+02:00

My son and I spend a lot of time at the military museum in Brussels http://www.klm-mra.be/klm-new/engels/main01.php?id=menu_links/startpagina

For those who are interested in such things, a few new exhibits have arrived. An 88mm flak gun and a Hawk SAM system to name but two. It is also possible to actually watch restoration work going on, and a DH Dragon Rapide is starting to look pretty impressive now.

Well worth a visit, and there is a reasonable cafe in the aircraft hangar where on Saturdays it is quite normal to sit down and join groups of Belgian veterans for a spot of lunch. Youngsters can also sit in the cockpit of a Hawker Hunter, and wander around an old Flying Boxcar, but for some of us the superb collection of WW1 biplanes is the star attraction.

No Virgins for Osama!

2011-05-02T11:34:00.002+02:00

By now I guess Osama Bin Laden will have realised that all that stuff about 72 virgins awaiting him in paradise was all total nonsense.

I think he is somebody who will not be terribly missed, but I wonder how the conspiracy theorists are taking the news. Many of them believed that Bin Laden did not actually exist.

I am aquainted with a true master of plots and conspiracies - in fact I breifly shared an office with him - who once explained to me that Bin Laden was an invention of a world government, and the George Bush ordered the destruction of the World Trade Centre. This was so that this shady secret world government could introduce 'anti-terror' laws that would enable them to enslave us. He was truly convinced of this. Mind you, he also believed that the Russian invasion of Chechnya was a CIA plot, and that wind-turbines are throwing the Earth off of its axis.

How does he feel now that Bin Laden is dead? How is he taking the news that his sad theory was complete nonsense?

Another favourite topic of the conspiracy theorists is the Bilderberg group. In fact, I remember about 10 years ago there was speculation about whether that group really existed, or whether it was part of an elaborate smokescreen put in place to hide the existence of something even more shadowy - there are even conspiracy theories about conspiracy theories, it seems. I decided to find out a bit more about the Bilderberg group, so I called up their secretariat in the Hague. A charming lady answered all my questions. Another barmy theory bites the dust - a bit like Osama Bin Laden!

Afghan insurgents employed by Group 4 Security.

2011-04-18T13:14:00.002+02:00

Typical Norfolk Villagers Go About Their Business - 2011

It's true! According to the Royal British Legion magazine 'Legion' (Mar/Apr 2011), the British Army has built a replica Afghan village in Norfolk in order to train troops in a realistic environment. (They could have saved some money of course, and just deployed to Hounslow).

This village is so realistic it even has genuine Afghan insurgents - supplied by Group 4 Security! Honestly, I am not making this up.

This is brilliant. Group 4 have been coming in for a bit of stick here in Brussels, but this one really takes the biscuit.

Things have moved on a wee bit from my day, when troops were sent to Sherwood Forest to prepare for operations in Rhodesia. Lets just hope that when we pull out of Afghanistan in 2014 we leave behind us something a bit more like the real world, and a lot less like Zimbabwe . But you know what? I am not all that optimistic.

Belgians can't drive properly: Police approve!

2011-04-13T11:20:00.000+02:00

This morning, whilst crossing the 5 lane chaos that is Rue Belliard, just outside the parliament, I and my fellow pedestrians had a narrow escape when a taxi came hurtling through a red light and over the crossing. This is far from being my first near death experience on a pedestrian crossing in Brussels.

Belgians, generally, are appalling drivers. Belgian taxi drivers, however, make Italian drivers look good. They are rude, ignorant, dangerous, and they don't give a flying f*ck for other road users. They are totally reliant on GPS systems that they are too stupid to use properly, and they overcharge shamelessly. Change is something that has to be demanded with menace. I once got into a cab with a driver who took me for about 20 minutes in what turned out to be the wrong direction, before he stopped the cab and called a friend for directions.

Now I learn that BelgaPlod are actually incentivising bad driving. The Brussels police have announced that from now on they are only going to prosecute speeding drivers if they are going really really fast.

Belgium already has a disproportionately high accident rate, partly due to the appalling state of its third world roads, and partly due to the stupidity of the average Belgian driver. Once on a pedestrian crossing in a shopping street I was almost hit by a van. His head was tipped back, and he appeared to driving one-handed while he tipped the contents of a crisp packet down his neck. He was totally unaware of the red light he was jumping, or the pedestrians he narrowly missed. This is normal behaviour on the roads of Brussels.

Iceland Votes No! We pay... as usual.

2011-04-10T10:39:00.000+02:00

Icelanders have voted to reject proposals to repay something like 4 billion quid that they owe us and the Dutch. Well, isn't that a great example of democracy in action? I may have a vote on whether or not to pay my phone bill next month, and taking into account the Icelandic result, I am expecting a landslide "No" vote.

"The Icelandic nation has been put in a terrible situation," Reykjavik voter Helgi Sigurdsson has told the Associated Press news agency. "It has two choices - both are bad."

Well, how about a third option? How about giving Britain it's money back?

The tragedy is that in a desperate bid to renage on their obligations, Icelanders will now push to join the EU asap, and pass the debt to Europe's taxpayers. What's good for the Irish, Greeks, and Portugese, is surely good enough for Helgi Sigurdsson. As for that cod they bravely fought us for in the 1970s? They can kiss that goodbye. The Spanish will sterilise their fishing grounds inside of a decade. Then, I guess, they will want compensation. Bloody parasites!

Belgians Deploy in Libya

2011-03-30T10:18:00.002+02:00

And now for the news.

Belgian aircraft yesterday launched a strike in Libya. The Army is expected to come out in sympathy, as are Belgian post office workers, who will take industrial action for three days each side of the Easter holidays.

Two Belgian F-16s, borrowed from the Royal Netherlands Air Force and piloted by Germans, are known to be in-theatre.

Belgian politicians with stakes in the nation's arms trade have approved the supply of arms to the value of €20 billion for the NATO operation, although there are no plans to actually deliver them. The bill has already been sent to Washington, and there is a proviso for any unused weapons to be supplied to the Congo at preferential rates.

Senior Head of the Army, General Jaqueline de Smedt, aged 23, told journalists from her hotel room in Paris, "We have plans to deploy 200 Group 4 security guards on the outskirts of Tripoli, but it is highly unlikely that this will actually happen. We will also be sending a detachment of Special Forces just as soon as we assess exactly what their special needs are".

The Belgian navy has agreed to deploy a submarine, U-251, in Libyan waters. This is expected to arrive in Honolulu in September after training exercises off the coast of Atlantis are completed.

Several Belgian Prime Ministers were unavailable for comment, or indeed for anything else.

British War Memorial in Doel Dismantled

2011-03-29T17:20:00.000+02:00

In Doel, in East Flanders, the British war monument at the yacht basin has been pulled down. This happened at the request of the local authorities.

The monument was erected in 1948 to commemorate the British soldiers who protected Antwerp and East Flanders against German V1 and V2 attacks at the end of the war. The municipality of Beveren wants to move the monument to the Prosperpolder, as the future of the polder town of Doel, near the port of Antwerp, is uncertain. The local pressure group concerned with the future of Doel, Doel 2020, is angry. "The monument is pulled down before a public investigation has been started into the future of the village. This again shows how people deal with legal procedures, public investigations and zoning plans", Jan Creve of Doel 2020 explains.

"It's a pity that it happened in a sneaky way", says Alain Heyrman who represents a local group to protect the monument. "We will continue our petition and we hope that the monument can keep its place on the banks of the Scheldt, between the windmill and the nuclear plant."
Pressure groups have asked the Flemish minister Geert Bourgeois (Flemish nationalist) to protect the monument and say that they are not giving up the fight.

An unfortunate acronym...

2011-03-29T13:01:00.000+02:00

I was thrilled to learn of the existence of an armed political organisation that calls itself MILF. Now this is a highly unfortunate acronym, but one that has brightened up my day no end.

The joy continued when I checked out their website, which declares that "The MILF is the vanguard of the Islamic movement in the Bangsamoro homeland in Mindanao and the neighbouring islands." This conjures up some pretty special imagery, but whilst I want it to be so, I know that it can never be.

MILF is, in fact, the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, which operates with a small force of soldiers in some islands I never heard of before.

Ben Ali is coming..........

2011-03-21T11:55:00.000+01:00

Zin El Abidine Ben Ali is the deposed 74 year old former president of Tunisia. He is not too popular at the moment, and there are fears for his safety. And so he is planning to move to Belgium.

It appears that he has a distant relative in the village of Rellegem, a few miles outside Brussels. In the interests of security, BelgaPlod are not divulging the identity of person concerned, but should Ben Ali rock up in Rellegem it probably won't be too difficult to work out where he is staying.

Actually, he should do quite well here. It didn't take me too long to realise that the North African community, which is huge in these parts, is the nearest you will find in Belgium to a thriving economy - it is certainly the only community in Belgium that understands the concept of good customer service. Indeed, should he decide that a drastic career change is not what he wants, he could always apply to become Prime Minister here - we haven't had a real one of those for ages.

French Opinion Polls - bad news for Sarkozy

2011-03-09T11:07:00.002+01:00

Nicolas Sarkozy : Trailing in the Polls

This week we decamped to Strasbourg for the monthly round of meetings and events that I alone seem to enjoy so much. Everybody else in the eurosceptic camp claims to hate it here, but I find it a beautiful city, and I love to be here. And the work is never dull. And during these weeks I tend to ponder (uncharacteristically) on matters French. And so I note with interest that Marine Le Pen is now favourite to take the French Presidency.

This makes me feel a little more important than I was last week, and I will tell you why. I know this is a tenuous link, but.....

If she wins, then I will be able to say "The French President's dad is in my old office"!

I told you it was tenuous, but Jean Marie Le Pen has indeed taken over what was my first office when I arrived in Brussels.

I know we have been here before, with JM Le P himself getting close to the presidency on one occasion, but I don't think it will happen for his daughter either, but it raises questions about what turns people towards nationalist politics.

I don't actually think that this is about immigration this time around, but more likely a reaction to the economic crisis, and the tendency for folk to close ranks during times of trouble. The fact that Fonzie - sorry, Sarkozy - is languishing at the bottom of the opinion polls bears out my theory. In fact, I suspect he will be returned to the Presidency when the time comes, not least if he learns the lessons of this week's polls and adapts his presentation accordingly.

Service as Usual - Virtually Non Existant!

2011-03-04T11:36:00.000+01:00

"Not in Service"

Today is a nice day. The roads were clear this morning, and traffic was flowing freely. There were also fewer people on the pavements, and best of all, not a single bus to be seen. The buses of Brussels are a menace - drivers are surly, ignorant, and appear to have no idea what their mirrors or indicators are for. Imagine a driver who recently escaped from Alcatraz, a bus that doubles as a recycling dump for vomit and cigarette ends, and roads that resemble the Congo before the aid arrived, and you will have a pretty good picture of a bus journey through the city that likes to think of itself as the "capital of Europe".

The respite on the roads this morning is because there is something of a general strike in Belgium today. They strike a lot in Belgium.

In terms of industrial output this will have a negligible effect, as very little work is ever actually done here on a Friday anyway. It appears that the unions are unhappy about a new legal framework for pay and conditions in the private sector. It does not affect the public sector workers, but isn't it nice to take Friday off anyway and have a long weekend - there are plenty of expats here to get on with the work and keep Belgium's tiny little economy ticking over.

Speaking at the University of Kent

2011-02-21T16:01:00.003+01:00

L-R Dr Marat Terterov, Ambassador Vladimir Rakhmanin, et Moi.

I was delighted to be asked to speak at the first of a series of lectures on EU External Relations at the University of Kent recently.

The key speaker was Ambassador Vladimir Rakhmanin, Deputy Secretary-General of the Energy Charter, and former Head of Protocol to President Putin. So I guessed I might have a tough act to follow. I was right.

I led on my thoughts about the polar development of Europe. We not only live in a multi-polar world, we live in a multi-polar Europe. The EU is not as dominant as it would like to be, at least not in political terms. The other two major actors exerting influence are Turkey and Russia. In the case of the former, the alternative to the EU membership that is denied to the Turks is to build their own powerbase, which they are doing very effectively. In the case of the latter, I speculated on the emergence of a Sino-Russian pact, and the economic and security implications that may have for the EU.

The Ambassador disagreed with me about the likelihood, but I remain convinced that we are already seeing the emergence of such a pact. Since Putin first took power in 2000, Russia and China have become very close indeed. In fact, the two nations have always been close, it was only after the ideological divergence following the Second World War that the two clashed. The rift appears to be healed now, and I believe that the re-election of Putin next year will bring about a number of re-alignments in Europe and in Central Asia.

We did both agree on one thing: Fukiyama was spectacularly wrong when he proclaimed the End of History. Liberal Democracy, he argued, became the one dominant ideology after the fall of Communism. We now have to take into account Sovereign Democracy, whatever form of democracy develops in the wake of the welcome fall of the Arab regimes, and the Command Capitalism of China. The latter two, incidentally, are stronger politically than the former.

We live in interesting times.

Trains, Pains, and Automobiles.

2011-02-04T11:38:00.000+01:00

Picture the scene - a busy square (Place du Luxembourg), always vibrant, packed with pedestrians, lined with bus stops and a taxi rank. What sort of a person, whilst driving through all this, would suddenly stop his car, and for no apparent reason, and without checking his rear-view mirror, throw his car into reverse? You guessed it - A Belgian!

As I am recovering from a broken knee, I really didn't need an Audi A6 slamming into my leg. The good thing is, I got to teach the driver and his young lady some choice words of old Anglo Saxon. The people waiting for a number 38 bus probably picked up something new as well.

Subsequently, the Audi did a 3 point turn before driving onto the crowded pavement. It moved backwards and forwards a bit, and then reversed into the path of a bus. All this happened yesterday lunchtime.

This morning I came to work on the Metro. As the train arrived at the station, I could see that the driver was sending a text message on his mobile. During the 10 minute journey, the train made two emergency stops, with passengers being thrown around, and lucky me, I got a pushchair and child hurled into my leg, which now hurts like hell. The driver was clearly not seeing red lights, and so the auto-pilot was kicking in and stopping the train for him.

Everything in this posting is absolutely normal in Brussels. Nobody bats an eyelid.

Ice City

2011-02-02T15:49:00.000+01:00

I saw something truly wonderful yesterday when I left my office. As I like to give the maximum effort on behalf of the taxpayers, I often work late. Last night was one of those occasions, and I left at about 9.30pm.

A thick fog descended on Brussels, and this, combined with a sudden drop in temperature and some weird atmospheric conditions, led to everything being coated in a thin film of ice. Roads, walls, even the grass. It looked like something from a fairytale.

Belgian Customer Service

2011-01-27T10:04:00.000+01:00

This could really apply to any Belgian institution or company. I once had a problem with my internet connection, which Belgacom were able to trace remotely to the failure of a piece of kit. They sent an engineer, telling me that the replacement would be free. They then added 70 euros to my next bill, and when I complained they told me "Yes it is free but you have to pay for it to be done"....

When I moved into my apartment I had to spend an afternoon at home waiting for the Electrabel engineer to come and connect me. It took him all of 15 seconds to throw a switch in the cellar. I then got a bill for his services....

Goodbye to the Nimrod.

2011-01-24T09:48:00.000+01:00

Having spent £3.25 billion on the new Nimrod MRA4, HMG is scrapping it before it enters service. The cost of scrapping the nine aircraft will add an extra £200 million. This is apparently how the British Conservative government defines "saving money".

Not just in London, but across the world, security agencies are extremely concerned about the terrorist threat to next year's London Olympics. The new Nimrods have a superb electric intelligence gathering capability, and would be key to the security operations. But we won't have them.

A personal anecdote.... back in 1977 as a young cadet, I spent time at RAF HalFar in Malta. At nearby Luqa there was a flight of Nimrods, and we got to have a good look around them. I remember one crewman showing the onboard computer, and proudly informing me that "this computer is so advanced, I can actually play chess against it!"

Times have changed, in more ways than one. Sadly, our priorities appear to have become a little confused.

HMS Ark Royal - the end of an era.

2011-01-22T12:35:00.000+01:00

Today there was a parade to mark the early decommissioning of HMS Ark Royal. Is nothing sacred, I ask myself? I remember how proud I was, as a schoolboy, when the first of the Invincible Class was launched in the 1970s.

Perhaps we should decommission our entire political elite? They seem to have lost the will to govern, having enthusiatically handed over as much sovereignty as possible (and here I accuse the Conservative Party above all others!) Perhaps the Tories are 'clearing the decks' for the new Fleet carriers that they are building, with our money, on behalf of the EU navy....

A good friend of mine (and London UKIP members will know who I am referring to) literally lost the will to live a few years ago. He was so despondant about what had happened to his country. Sadly, this likeable gent took his own life. There are days when I get a wee glimpse into how he must have felt.

Is it time for a revolution?

HS 125 to stand down after 45 years.

2011-01-21T10:52:00.001+01:00

Apparently, the RAF will no longer need to train weapons systems operators, or indeed any rear crew at all in the future. Therefore, that lovely little aircraft, the Dominie, is to be stood down. After an astonishing 45 years of service, the last seven aircraft, operated by 55 squadron, are to be decommissioned.

I do hope that any future aggressors will be so kind as to take into account that we don't actually have much in the way of either aircraft or aircrew anymore, and go easily on us.

Bloody heartbreaking, isn't it!

A Bit Of Fashion Advice....

2011-01-14T12:02:00.000+01:00

The Crystal Palace Pub
circa 1978

Since I spent most of my teenage years walking around in ankle length drape jackets, drainpipes, and brothel creepers, cynics might question my competence to pass judgement on the sartorial elegance of today's youth.

But youth fashions today seem to me to be somewhat bland, and lacking in imagination to say the least.

One little affectation which seems to be making a reappearence is the habit of wearing only one glove.

I think it was the great Gene Vincent himself who started that one, with Alvin Stardust and Micheal Jackson (both big Vincent fans) following suit in subsequent decades.

This morning on the Brussels Metro I noticed a young chap displaying this particular affectation, but not quite getting it right. Therefore I would like to offer the following advice in the unlikely event that any Belgian teenagers . and some of them do know the alphabet - are following this blog. There is a right way and a wrong way to do it.

The right way (a la Vincent et al). Black leathers, gleaming winklepickers, and a skin tight black leather glove.

The wrong (Belgian) way. Ill-fitting blue-grey jacket from Primark, grubby jeans, white trainers, and a single grey wooly mitten.

Mittens are simply not Rock n Roll, I'm sorry. I know it was a bit chilly today, but this is not an accurate interpretation of the trend.

And at least we combed our hair properly!

Meeting Gérard Latortue

2011-01-11T17:02:00.000+01:00

With Nikki Sinclaire and Gérard Latortue

Jean-Bertrand Aristide was the first elected president of Haiti. Whilst not a total failure, he was accused of serious human rights abuses, and corruption. He was subsequently to be removed in a coup d'etat

Aristide was replaced by Gérard Latortue, who was appointed as Prime Minister by a "council of the wise", set up up by international powers.

Latortue served for two years, at which point elections were held, and a proper parliament was elected by the people.

He is highly regarded on the international stage, and I was very proud to meet with him, along with Nikki Sinclaire MEP, in Brussels recently. I think that the word "charismatic" is an understatement when applied to this particular gentlemen. He was an opponent of the evil François (Papa Doc) Duvalier, and when Aristide tried to buy him off with a senior political position, he refused the post. He took on a corrupt judiciary - and sacked them all!

Gérard Latortue is a man of courage and integrity, and I will be delighted to tell my children that I shook his hand and exchanged a joke or two with him.

Ethnic Tensions in the Belgian Armed Forces.

2011-01-11T11:50:00.000+01:00

Belgian Chief of Staff, General Charles-Henri Delcour, says that he is concerned about the recent economy drive in the Belgian Army. The Army has been forced to make a total of 130 million euros in savings, which seems like a tiny amount when compared to the way the British defence budget has been slashed to the bone.

General Delcour adds that although a lot of the material used by Belgian soldiers is desperately in need of replacement, much-needed new equipment has not materialised - echoeing the British experience.

This, he says, is in part due to the on-going political crisis. Belgium is still operating with an interim government, with the King assuming greater responsibilities. However, even before last June’s elections, Belgium had the second lowest defence budget per capita of any NATO member.
General Delcour points to the psychological pressures Belgian troops are often put under when on foreign missions, and is unhappy with the Defence Minister’s refusal to allow soldiers returning from Afghanistan a rest and recuperation break on the Mediterranean island of Cyprus. Poor dears!

But it is the old division between the French and the Flemish that really exposes the weakness of the Belgian armed forces. The General is critical of those in the south of the country that have expressed concerns about Flemings being over-represented in Belgium's armed services. He points to the generally superior knowledge of other languages among Flemish candidates as well as Fleming’s willingness to move away from their home areas as the main reasons for Flemish over representation in the services..

He also highlighted the fact that many Francophone service personnel are reluctant to accept postings in Flanders.

UKIP Policy - You Couldn't Make It Up!

2011-01-10T10:00:00.001+01:00

Would you buy a used policy from these men?

The UKIP policy making process was always a bit different. Although I was one of those who called for a widening of the policy base from the moment I joined the party, I eventually came to agree with Roger Knapman who argued for a narrower and more focussed set of policies concentrating on withdrawal. Britain does need a new party, but UKIP clearly ain't it!

I was very surprised, however, to read that UKIP is now coming out in favour of farming subsidies, a la the Common Agricultural Policy. Opposition to the CAP is one thing that traditionally unites all eurosceptics - and quite a lot of europhiles as well. Maybe UKIP has become so obsessively contrarian that it has even turned against conventional euroscepticism now, who knows?

I recall a transport policy paper which called for the electrification of a line that had, in fact, been closed for many years. There was also a local government paper that was quite probably the most politically illiterate thing I have ever seen.

The biggest question that observers will be asking, however, is not whether UKIP has done an about-turn on farming subsidies, but whether the party is, as it appears to be, out of control.

Youth Unemployment in Brussels

2011-01-09T12:34:00.001+01:00

According to recent statistics, youth unemployment in the Brussels region is at a staggering 35%. That takes some doing, so well done chaps!

In fact, the figures may not accurately reflect the true situation, as working on the black market is absolutely normal. Indeed, most Belgian families will be reliant to a certain degree on the black money that one or more members will be bringing in.

The social costs of employing people, especially part-time workers, is horrific in Belgium, so many businesses simply do not do it. They can't afford to.

The costs of setting up a small business in Belgium are equally daunting, as is the associated paperwork. Taxes are high, VAT thresholds are low, and so again, many people simply do not bother. A lot of Belgians of my aquaintance set up their businesses in the UK - it works for them, and it puts a little extra money into the UK economy, so I am all for that ruse.

One would have thought that the Belgians would be worried about all this - after all, their national deficit is now around 100% of GDP, which technically makes them a bankrupt nation. The roads are falling apart, and the cities are seething with ethnic tensions.

But they don't seem to care at all.

The Brussels region floats on a sea of subsidies. It is kept afloat by the transnational institutions that attract so much cash from across the world. But there is some bad news for the Belgians.... NATO is upping sticks and moving out.

NATO headquarters are moving to Bonn, which makes absolute sense as the focus of the alliance is shifting eastwards.

This hasn't broken in the Belgian press yet, but I expect it will shortly as it is common knowledge amongst journalists.

Are these people real?

2010-12-29T14:09:00.000+01:00

Kris Peeters is the Flemish Prime Minister. I don't really know, maybe there is also a Walloonie Prime Minister, and possibly even a German one as there is apparently a German speaking part of Belgium somewhere. Yves Leterme is the national Prime Minister, although there isn't really a functioning government in Belgium, and decisions of import are currently being made by the King, Albert, which is a bit scary if you know what I mean. Incidentally, Leterme was appointed by the King. Is there any other European Nation where the monarch still actually appoints the head of the government?

Meneer Peters just tried to climb up Mt Aconcagua, the highest mountain in the Andes. He has failed, suffering from altitude sickness.

I promise you - I am not making this next bit up.....

Peters had tried to climb the highest mountain in the Andes - with 18 asthma patients.

It gets better.... while the PM is recovering, the asthma patients are still trying at this time to reach the summit. I wish them well!

The PM has attracted some criticism at home for this stunt, as he was supposed to attend a crucial budgetary debate in one of Belgium's numerous parliaments. One would ordinarily assume that a Prime Minister would turn up for such an event, but as I have noted before, this is no ordinary capital city!

Thanks to Le Soir For This One!

2010-12-29T13:44:00.000+01:00

I managed to get the panzer stuck in the snow for 3 nights. You wouldn't ordinarily expect that if you live in the centre of a capital city, but this, of course, is no ordinary capital city! Eventually, I took an axe to the ice to break it up and cut out a path to a clear road. It was great fun to watch, I'm sure, but not so much fun to actually do it. Still, I suppose it killed three hours, when I could have otherwise been doing.... well, anything really

There was a terrific story in Le Soir, which is a Belgian daily newspaper. It explained why the Belgian motorways were all blocked whilst France and the other Benelux superpowers managed to keep the traffic flowing.

A general decision had been taken to pull all vehicles over 7.5 tons off of the road when the snow first hit hard. The Belgian police took this to mean literally all vehicles over 7.5 tons, and promptly ordered the gritters and snow ploughs off the roads.

Is there any other country in Europe, I wonder, where such stupidity reigns supreme?

Things Go Better With Coke...

2010-12-22T10:55:00.000+01:00

I was catching a flight from Brussels airport earlier this year, when I witnessed an altercation between a visibly anxious passenger and a member of staff. Obviously flustered herself, the staff member shouted at the passenger "We can't help you, because there are no staff working here anymore". It is true, there have been swingeing job cuts at the airport.

But it seems that some people are doing well there. It seems that the baggage handlers have gone into the drugs business, according to a recent report.

Its a good job they are sub-contracting for Colombian drug dealers and not Al Queeda. Its a bit disturbing to note that an airport official admitted to the lack of security checks on the staff...

Something You Don't Often See.....

2010-12-22T10:45:00.000+01:00

I found myself heading, somewhat cautiously, into Brussels on the motorway from Zaventum - Brussels Airport - which is closed because they have no de-icer for the aircraft (its true).

I was emerging from a tunnel which leads onto Brussels biggest roundabout, which is called "Square" Montgomery (this is also true - you don't need to make stuff up about this place). Suddenly the traffic came to a halt, and Belgians were emerging from their cars in a state of what passes for anxiety here. So I left the warmth of my car to see what all the commotion was about.

Three cars ahead of me, a fecking great big blue skip was blocking both lanes. It had, literally, fallen off the back of a lorry. Thank God nobody was injured or worse.

It took some time for the police to organise another lorry to come and take it away.

I wonder if the total idiot responsible for this even noticed that the skip was missing when he arrived at his destination - stupidity is taken to new dimensions in this town, it really is.

Maybe They Should Stick To Goats And Donkeys...

2010-12-18T21:56:00.000+01:00

The travelling circus that is the European Parliament decamped to Strasbourg this week.

I happen to love Strasbourg, so it is not such a problem for me, but it is a heck of a drive each month, and a bit of a problem finding hotel rooms sometimes.

The journey back was one of those nightmares we get each year, as this whole adventure involves contact with two mountain ranges - the Voges and the Ardennes. And Oh Boy can it snow there!

Driving through France is fine, and in Luxembourg, when the snow really hit on Thursday, I was impressed by the way they cleared the snow almost before it landed, and then took swift action to take all the lorries off the road. If only it were always so.

Then I crossed the border into Belgium. No snowploughs, no salting, just snowdrifts and a 20mph drive across the ice. Every so often there would be a car crashed or abandoned - always with Belgian plates - and it was a nasty and long slog. Driving in Belgium is always an unpleasant experience, but this was one of the worst.

Did Putin order the murder of Alexander Litvinenko?

2010-12-12T19:01:00.000+01:00

Federal Law 153-FZ appears to be the smoking gun....

Amongst the controversial issues raised as a result of recent Wikileaks activity is the matter of the murder of Alexander Litvinenko, a British citizen and former KGB officer, in London in November 2006. Andrei Lugovoi, himself closely linked with the KGB, is wanted by British police in connection with the murder. He currently sits as a deputy in the Russian Parliament as a member of the fascist Vladimir Zhirinovsky's "Liberal Democrat Party". It should be noted that Zhirinovsky himself was apparently rehabilitated during the Putin Presidency, and was allowed to co-sponsor important legislation on gas exports in 2006.

According to information released by Wikileaks, Russian President Vladimir Putin "may have" known about the murder plot before it took place.

Daniel Fried, the US assistant secretary of state, has stated that he doubts that “rogue security elements” could operate in the UK “without Putin’s knowledge”.

Let us be absolutely clear about this: Russian Federal Law 153-FZ - passed in 2006 - states that "The special assignment units of the Federal Security Service may be used , by a decision of the President of the Russian Federation, against the terrorists and (or) their bases, located beyond the territory of the Russian Federation..."

153-FZ defines as "terrorists" or "extremists" any critics of the state, or of the Russian leadership.

The law is unambiguous: any operation such as that to liquidate Alexander Litvinenko could only have taken place with the prior authorisation of President Putin.

Lugovoi himself has spoken openly in the Spanish press about his comfort with the murder, actually stating that he "would have given the order himself", although the official line remains that he had no involvement.

During the past week, with elections looming in Belarus, Parliamentarians and journalists in Brussels met with activists from the democratic opposition who have been subjected to intimidation, and summary arrest - known in Belarus as "administrative arrest". We should not kid ourselves that democracy has already come to all of Europe - it clearly hasn't.

In 2012 Russians will go to the polls, and choose their president. Europe should prepare itself for the return of Vladimir Putin, and possibly for the greatest challenge to democracy since the fall of the wall.

Democracy Doesn't Come Cheap!

2010-12-11T22:44:00.001+01:00

I was lucky to have the chance to attend a meeting this week with Vytautas Landsbergis, the former president of Lithuania, and now a Member of the European Parliament. Landsbergis is widely considered to be one of the key figures in the fall of communism in Europe. He won my admiration when the Parliament debated an EU-wide ban on Nazi regalia, and he insisted that the ban be extended to the Hammer & Sickle - "The Communist dictatorships no less than the Nazi ones are responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of people" he said at the time. The Russians were not amused, nor were the multitude of "former" communists in the Parliament!

Lithuania was the first country to declare independence from the Soviet Union, and Landsbergis was lucky to escape with his life when things turned nasty.

I remember one British MEP declaring that the Baltic states - which entered the EU in 2004 - "know little about democracy". He himself apparently knew little about history - but then the oik in question never did finish his education!

Also present at the meeting was a delightful young gentleman whose name I will not reveal. A member of the Belorussian Popular Front, he has been imprisoned more than once after his "administrative arrest" for opposing the government of Lukashenko. Such arrest means no charges, no trial, just 5 - 20 days in a filthy prison cell. As Belarus prepares for another general election he expects further harrassment. He is a very brave young man.

I took part in a peaceful picket outside a police station in Minsk myself, back in the days when my politics were a wee bit more confrontational. The level of intimidation was quite overwhelming, although I am pleased to say there was no violence. I look forward to the day - which I am convinced will come very soon - when Belarus enjoys the same freedoms that we all take for granted. Its a truly beautiful country, it deserves better.

Psssst... Wanna buy a World Cup final?

2010-12-03T11:50:00.000+01:00

I watched the announcement of who would host the 2018 and 2022 world cups in a sports bar I tend to frequent rather too frequently. The hope was, of course, that England would get the 2018 tournament, although I picked up at the weekend the rumour that the decision had already gone Russia's way. Certainly the staff of the Russian embassy were celebrating in Brussels on Saturday night.

I noticed a Tory MEP present. This was rather odd, as the chap in question never usually deems to be seen socialising with the proletariat, preferring instead to stick to the comfort of the MEPs facilities.

Ah.... but there were TV cameras present!! This is normal....

West Midlands MEP Nikki Sinclaire was also there - she is a big soccer fan and often lunches at the establishment in question - and so she ended up getting more attention from the tv crew than our Tory friend, which left me grinning in satisfaction. The "big three" parties cannot bear it when smaller parties or independent MEPs like Nikki get media attention.

Russia and Qatar.... hmmm.... So this decision involved two cash rich states both with reputations for bribery and corruption, and FIFA, which has hardly been untouched by scandal.

So how much exactly were the winning bids, I wonder?

Is Robert Mugabwe Belgian?

2010-12-02T10:11:00.000+01:00

Belgian elegance...

In London we have "rush hour", here in Brussels its more of a "shuffle time", especially on the Metro.

I actually like the Brussels metro - being a bit "green" I try to use public transport as much as I can, and with this city being about the size of Croydon it is easy to get about quickly. But mornings are awful, due to the overcrowding.

Belgian men smell of beer in the mornings, and the chicks smell of stale tobacco and strange perfume. Try standing in a carriage with 150 of them and see how you feel about that. But the worst thing is the depressing Belgian dress sense. Various shades of drab, set off nicely with a little tuft of hair growing from the bottom lip. And thats just the women....

If you want eye candy on the way to work in the mornings, I recommend London in springtime, Moscow in the winter, and Paris anytime. In this respect, Brussels does not work for me at all.

So I was delighted to attend a fashion show last night, hosted by the EU Belarus Business Chamber at a beautiful chateau on the outskirts of the city. I never paid attention to such things before, but this was great!

I am quite a fan of Belarus - its a terrific place, and Minsk is one of the "must see" cities. But what puzzles me is how an entire nation can be held back by one man - President Lukashenko. The moment he is gone, Belarus will be allowed to rejoin the rest of the world, but still he hangs on, like a European version of Robert Mugabwe, which brings us back to the subject of unpleasant people with dodgy facial hair.

Taken to the cleaners.....

2010-12-02T09:48:00.001+01:00

Dry Cleaning - Belgian style!

Belgians, I was once told, can neither clean anything nor fix anything. And so it was with some trepidation that I took the panzer in for repairs to the steering lock. As I write this I have yet to find time to go and collect it - or perhaps I am just putting off the almost inevitable bad news....

I mention this because I am getting depressed about the amount of suits in my wardrobe that need dry-cleaning. This is a bit of a problem here. There appear to be two systems in Europe:

1. The UK system. Drop off suit, then later in the day pop in, pay £6, then take the nice clean suit home.

2. The Belgian syatem. Drop off suit, then 1 week later pop in, pay €18, then stare in dismay at the spots and marks that have appeared all over the once nice suit.

A couple of months ago I collected a suit from the dry-cleaners in the European Parliament. The lady took my money, then promptly dropped my suit on the floor. "Its ok" she said as she wiped dust off the jacket "it didn't hit really the floor".

I simply cannot muster the will power needed to inflict more of this on myself.

A Couple of Days in London

2010-11-06T19:07:00.001+01:00

I don't get back to London as often as I would like, so I was pleased to pay a flying visit this week. I always stay at the Victory Services Club, which has become something of a second home to me. Shortly after I arrived I was thrilled to find myself enjoying a pint with the crew of a Nimrod. It occured to me that with the phasing out of the Nimrod due shortly, this might be the last time I see a crew of 6 out in London in uniform - an era is passing. My family has connections with Coastal and Bomber Commands, so I found the thought to be most poignant.

Yesterday was almost as fine as a birthday can be. Its always nice to wake up in London - I was there for a press conference at which Nikki Sinclaire made some damning allegations about other British MEPs and about the UK Independence Party. I was a member of UKIP for a long time, and it is sad to see the way the party has gone. Lets hope that between them Nikki and the courts will knock some sense into them. Anyway, the press conference attracted significant coverage in the media.

We then adjourned to Westminster Palace where we were met by the deputy Sergeant-at- Arms, who is currently undergoing RAF training with Nikki. We were treated to a brief tour of both houses, and some fascinating conversation when we were joined for coffee by two other RAF officers.

Then it was back to the VSC where I was delighted to be reunited with my former boss and very good friend Tom Wise. Tom has been through the mill, but is looking good, fighting fit, and his old cheerful self. There is a story to be told here, and I look forward to it more than some others will be :)

And so finally to Southwark Park. It has always satisfied me that the nation celebrates my birthday so spectacularly each year, and Bermondsey put on a great firework display last night.

Belgian Corporate Tax - Just Make It Up!

2010-11-01T11:47:00.000+01:00

I have in front of me a fascinating little booklet from the Belgian Federal Finance Office. It is all about a new and innovative tax initiative from the Belgian authorities, and it might give us an insight into why the Belgian economy is so totally screwed up.

I quote from page 4:

"... a new, innovative and powerful measure in international tax law enabling all companies subject to Belgian corporate tax to deduct from their taxable income a fictitious interest..."

The morning when I discovered this little gem was just perfect, because I later found myself seated at lunch next to a really nice chap who turned out be a big wheel in the Finance Office. I expressed my delight at the institutionalisation of the concept of entering fictitious figures on tax returns (although I myself am subject only to fixed local taxes, and am not a Belgian taxpayer myself, I hasten to add!)

It transpires, as with so many things in Belgium, that this does not actually mean what it says. It means something else a bit different, but we couldn't really get to the bottom of it.

I quite like the Belgian flag - nice bold colours - but what it is really missing is an image of Kafka in the centre!

Happy Halloween, Everybody!

2010-10-31T21:07:00.000+01:00

Tonight it is Holloween... and I must confess to a fondness for these Pagan festivals.

For those of us who live in the "European Quarter" of Etterbeek, one of the central communes of Brussels (and it was called that long before the EU appeared on the scene), that means we get a parade. And it is a heck of a parade! Imagine 500 Orangemen strolling down the Shankhill Road, accompanied by flutes and drums, but all dressed as ghosts and witches, and you are pretty close.

It seems to be more of a Flemish thing than French, which may support the Orange analogy a wee bit, but it is always a lovely evening. Strolling along whilst being showered from the windows and balconies with goodies is great fun, and it is so funny to watch the Belgian kids ransacking the sweets whilst young George examines the offerings before taking just one carefully selected sweet and announcing "Thank you very much!" - he is so English!

But that last remark should not take anything away from the fact that in some parts of Brussels we can still find a sense of community that seems to have vanished at home - even in the east end of London, although it pains me to say that.

Caucasian Chamber Orchestra

2010-10-28T16:20:00.000+02:00

There are three words that send chills of panic through my body - "contemporary classical music". I have another name for it, of course.

But this week we were treated to another of those occasional concerts in the parliament that cheer us up so much.

We were treated to a performance by the Caucasian Chamber Orchestra, an ensemble of mostly Georgian and Armenian musicians conducted by a hugely talented German, Uwe Berkemer.

The first piece did fall into the dreaded contemporary genre, and I felt the will to live begin to sap a little, but it was short. The rest of the concert could only be described as superb. One can always tell when the musicians are enjoying themselves, and that was very much the case here. The works were all totally unknown to me, as were the names of their composers, which added to the pleasure.

Berkemer turned out to be not only a talented composer and conductor, but also an impressive baritone.

If you ever get the chance to see this orchestra, I strongly recommend that you do so.

A humbling experience.....

2010-10-25T17:17:00.000+02:00

I devoted a lot of my life to campaigning for the UK Independence Party. However, not being a dogmatic and closed-minded yes-man, I subsequently fell out with the then leader of the party and so found myself the subject of some pretty vile attacks and accusations. He really is a dreadful little oik, and he surrounds himself with even worse specimens.

But it amused me when one of his acolytes suggested, via a blog that seems to specialise in attacking me and my boss - a lovely lady, with more commitment and drive in her little finger than the oik has in his whole apology for a body - that I earn my living as a "Shakin' Stevens lookalike".I am a big fan of Shakey, so I took that as a compliment. But these days I am a bit more "Gene Vincent" than "Shakey", as I have picked up a gammy left leg, just like the Black Leather Rebel himself.

After 7 weeks of limping, I eventually went into one of those nuclear/magnetic things that produces images of the inside of one's body. It was a brilliant experience, somewhat akin to being on the set of a 1950s Sci-Fi movie.

It turns out that I have been limping around with a broken knee-cap these last 7 weeks! Of course, being a rough, tough Bermondsey Boy I laugh in the face of pain, so it never really bothered me so much.

And so now I have a brace on my left leg. When the surgeon produced that brace, that was a hell of a wake-up call for me, I can tell you. I was always blessed with good health, and I never guessed I would be living through such a moment.

I guess I am lucky, I will have this for 4 weeks, and then it will be over. Some folks are not so lucky, and have to spend their lives coping with disability. And so I will take this as a humbling experience, and will try to take on board and remember these somewhat awkward times. One thing is for sure - I will never take good health for granted again.

National Self-Determination - Not Just The Kashmiris Who Are Struggling

2010-10-14T11:59:00.001+02:00

I was very lucky this week. On Tuesday I dined - for the second time this year - with Sultan Mahmood Chaudhry. He is a lovely gentleman, who amongst his many accomplishments is a former Prime Minister of Kashmir. He is now a leading light in the Kashmiri fight for national self-determination.

The Kashmiri people were promised a referendum on self-determination way back in the 1940s - and they are still waiting. That sounds familiar to we Brits, who of course have been promised referenda on the Constitution & the Lisbon Treaty. I don't want to make light of this in any way, as I am aware that the Kashmiris are suffering massacres at the hands of the Indian occupiers, which somewhat puts our plight into perspective.

The point is, however, that national self-determination should be a basic human right, and here at the beginning of the 21st century not all of our fellow human beings are enjoying this right.

It makes me ponder on the long-term implications of surrendering our own sovereignty to the EU.

It also makes me realise how imortant is the campaign for a referendum on our continued EU membership is. I urge you to support it. Elsewhere in the world people are dying in the struggle to have their voices heard. We don't have to do that - yet - but if we allow ourselves to become complacent, who knows what the future may bring.

Belgacom: The Pain Continues...

2010-10-03T23:59:00.001+02:00

Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse, Belgacom has excelled itself!

Belgacom, as you may know if you read this blog, is not my favourite provider of TV services. Actually, I consider Belgacom to give crap a bad name. They cut back on the few channels that may have been of passing interest to me, replacing them with Al Jazeera and others of that ilk, without even consulting me, the person who has to pay for it. But then customer service was never high on the Belgian agenda.

Now they developed a new trick.

Now we have "Belgacom previews". Channels that were once filled with dubious content have now been replaced with new ones that simply advertise what is on other (pay per view) channels. So I have 3 channels telling me about the crap on the 4th, that I wouldn't want to watch anyway, even if it was covered by the 100 euros a month I already pay for this state-controlled shite.

So I now have a choice between adverts, Al-Jazeera, and pure shite. Of course, if I am really unlucky, I may get a back episode of Eastenders, or possibly even Inspector Morse dubbed into Flemish - oh what joy!

You Think That Paying Money Gets You Off The Hook? Think Again!

2010-10-03T22:50:00.002+02:00

This was a very important day, although it was barely mentioned by the media. It was the day on which Germany finally discharged its obligations under the Versailles Treaty, by making its final reparation payment.

That is that, then. Its over. Millions dead - and for what? - debts paid, and so I guess we can forget all about it. Well, I won't forget about my Great-Grandfather who perished on the Somme in 1916. And I won't let my children forget him either. So don't feel you are let off that easy, Frau Merkel, or your war-mongering nation.

I am often aware of how sensitive the Germans are about World War 2. They cannot stop being sensitive about it, and for a very good reason - THEY LOST! They hate this fact, and they particularly hate the fact that they were beaten twice by us Brits! If they could turn back time and start again, I think they would. They might change a few details, but I suspect the bit about exterminating folks they don't like would not be such a problem for them. Maybe they would keep that one in the plan.

And if you think, by the way, that such obscenities are now consigned to history, then look at Sarkozy's forced deportations of Gypsies (pre-empted by the Belgians, by the way) Look at Belgian and Dutch laws on euthanasia of "undesirable" children. This is all happening now.

We are often told that WW2 was nothing to do with the Germans - it was the "Nazis" that did it. Where did the "Nazis" come from? Mars?

Well, f*ck you Kaiser Wilhelm, f*ck you Adolf Hitler and f*ck all your mates too.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest!

Battle of Britain - 70 Years On.

2010-09-30T12:02:00.000+02:00

The 70th anniversary of the Battle of Britain was marked in the European Parliament this week. I took it upon myself to invite a group of colleagues from the Royal British Legion and the RAF Association, and was truly rewarded by such auspicious company.

The highlight of a lovely afternoon was an anecdote from a 96 year old gentleman who had once shot down his own Commanding Officer with a 3 1/2 inch anti-aircraft gun. "He had a few holes in his respirator case" he explained, "but otherwise nothing for him to complain about".

I spend a lot of my time with older veterans, and I know that such comments are usually accompanied by a wink, a chuckle, and a tear in the corner of the eye.

Our elderly friend often sits quietly in O'Farrels bar, outside the European Parliament, whilst MEPs and apparatchiks, bursting with self-importance, bustle around spending freely and laughing at their own jokes. They may impress themselves - and possibly (although not very likely) they may even impress one another. They rarely impress me, unlike our friend, who impresses me greatly.

When he finished causing havoc with his own side - his CO had chosen to fly into RAF Wattisham whilst an air raid was in progress, so only had himself to blame - our friend then took part in the liberation of Belgium.

Last month, his Belgian wife, who he married after the war, passed away, leaving him completely alone.

There are thousands of such men, with thousands of such wonderful stories to tell. So if you want to enrich two lives in one go, next time you see an elderly man sitting alone with his thoughts in a pub, go and say "Hello", but most importantly, remember to say "Thank You!"

Place Jean Rey - No More Eruptions

2010-09-17T10:15:00.000+02:00

Jean Rey was the second President of the European Commission, and there is a small and rather odd square named after him near my home. It has 12 underground fountains that are supposed to erupt in the glare of coloured lights, but neither fountains or lights have worked for about two years now, so the whole thing looks a little sad.

On the edge of the square a new hotel has sprung up, and so I decided to take a seat and spend some time looking at it in order to find something to complain about. Actually, it is not an unattractive building as hotels go, although it does rather look as if it belongs on a Spanish seafront.

Then I saw something really ghastly: to my left was a seriously ugly building I simply never noticed before in the six years I lived in the neighbourhood. Seven stories high, very long, and almost as ugly as Brixton Town Hall, which is one of my least favourite eyesores, it is a harrendous looking edifice.

Then I realised I was looking at the European Council. How the hell do you not notice the Council? I now wonder how possible it is to block out that which we do not like - does this explain why I never heard rap music for years? Have I simply blocked it out?

Actually, this week there has been a summit at the Council. I dislike these events as the police block off lots of roads, and always park their massive water cannon vehicles at the end of my street. What really disturbs me most, however, is the way that road lanes are cordoned off and reserved for the elite. Whilst mere mortals sit and fume in the Brussels traffic jams, the Second Junior Deputy Minister for Paperclips from the Grand Duchy of Fenwick is thus able to speed through the city with his motorcycle escort.

My Second Childhood, by Gary Cartwright, aged 48 and a big bit.

2010-09-10T10:52:00.000+02:00

At the age of 42, the good Lord blessed me with a son. Thanks to George I am now reliving my own childhood, and do you know what? Its even better second time around.

We recently built our first model aircraft together - a Spitfire of course - and I was reminded of sitting at the table with my own father way back in the mid-60s, making our first model kit together. I am also getting to know, somewhat late in life, rather a lot about Thomas the Tank Engine. Its nice to sit here and think that I can look forward to rediscovering skateboarding and air rifles. My levels of optimism and enthusiasm have soared thanks to George. (And I get to play with train sets and nobody laughs).

Brussels is proving to be a good place to bring up children. As a school governor in a pretty rough part of East London, I remember being told "Think of them as younger citizens, not just as children". that is, of course, complete nonsense.

A tragic lack of social cohesion in Britain has led to a certain amount of confusion amongst families as to exactly what the heirarchy should be. Belgians, particularly the Flemish ones, seem to be far more comfortable with traditional family roles than we are. The result is that children understand their place in the family, and in society. Everybody is happier for it.

Scouting is still a big thing here, and it is normal to see large groups of youngsters in uniform touring the city, heading for the mountains, or just sitting and talking together. It is also normal that during holidays youngsters undertake activities ranging from working on farms, residential language courses, and sports training. In British cities it is different, of course. They "slob out" in front of the TV, or they hang about the streets spitting on the pavements or, very often, on passers by. You don't have to be a doctor to notice the difference in physical build between continental and British teenagers.

I helped organise an event some years ago at a youth project in SE London. We arranged a couple of 4x4s loaded with mountain bikes, with a view to taking some youngsters up into the Chilterns for an afternoon. They turned up in their hooded sweat shirts, gobbed on the floor and said "innit" a lot, and then dispersed. I think 3 kids took up the offer; the rest knew they would be unable to cope, and were afraid of failure. So they simply rolled a joint and retreated to their comfort zones.

We don't need to show these kids "respect". What we need to do is to find ways to give them back their childhood. I know what I am talking about - I got mine back!

Me and the Champ! Meeting Winston McKenzie

2010-09-10T10:16:00.000+02:00

Party conferences can be depressing, and I stopped inflicting that particular pain on myself some years ago. This year is different, however, as Nikki Sinclaire is holding a number of fringe meetings to promote her petition for a parliamentary debate on Britain's membership of the EU.

So I found myself in Torquay last week, which is always a pleasure, not least because I have some family connections there, helping out with what proved to be a hugely successful meeting. More successful, I understand, than the main UKIP meeting which took place across the road.

An unexpected pleasure was the chance to meet and chat with former middleweight boxing champion, Winston McKenzie. Winston is a terrific guy, and is very politically aware. His stance on immigration challenges all the left-wing dogma on the issue, and he is probably better placed to speak about inner city youth issues than most politicians.

He appears to have thrown his hat in the ring for the UKIP leadership, following the resignation of the utterly ineffectual Lord Pearson.

Pearson is the kind of politician you could only find in UKIP - he calls EU subsidies "a vast swindle", and yet he claims heaps of them for himself. He was (de jure) leader of UKIP, and yet in the last general election he urged people to vote for the Conservatives.

Some UKIP members wonder why the party bombed in the election....

Autumn leaves....

2010-08-29T16:30:00.000+02:00

We are coming up to my favourite time of the year. I was lucky to live close to some spectacular parks in London. In Bayswater Kensington Gardens were just 1 minute from my front door, and when I lived in Connaught Square (before Blair moved in 4 doors away, I hasten to add) I was almost on top of Hyde Park. But as with most things, Bermondsey outshines the rest of London, and Southwark Park comes second only to St James Park as far as I am concerned. Autumn is the time to walk in the park - the reds and browns of the trees are even more spectacular than the blooming flowers.

And now I am going to say something positive about Brussels, for a change.

It is a city with many hidden features, one of which is a little ecological park - the Jean Felix Hap Park. It is on Chausee de Wavre, behind the white wall opposite the Brussels International Catholic School. Not a lot of people know about it, which is what makes it so perfect. This morning I was pleased to see the leaves turning red.

I'm very fond of this park. A few years ago I decided to add to my cv by taking a diploma in environmental policy. It was one of the most enjoyable subjects I ever studied, and Jean Felix Hap Park is where I tucked myself away with my textbooks during the summer months.

What particularly impresses me is the absolutely pristine condition of the park. If a plant wilts, the staff know about it instantly. It also boasts the source of Etterbeek's original freshwater source, and the small lake that still remains is superbly looked after.

http://www.opt.be/informations/tourist_attractions_etterbeek__jean_felix_hap_park/en/V/39602.html

Who said nostalgia ain't what it used to be?

2010-08-28T12:52:00.000+02:00

There are a great many things I miss about London. One of these is the museum of childhood at Bethnal Green. If you were never there, then you must go, although for the sake of appearances it is best to take a child along. It is an outpost of the V&A, so you can imagine the standards. There is a good cafe, and the park & Bethnal Green library are just behind. If you cross the road to Paradise Row, you can see the home of Dan Mendoza, probably the greatest boxer of the 18th century. The benches in the little garden in Paradise Row are a great place to sit and watch the East End go by. I should be a tour guide...

There is a toy museum in Brussels, which is also worth a visit. I don't think it ever had a curator as such, as everything is just sort of spread out in a chaotic fashion. But then, maybe, thats the way a child would do it...

It does of course have some typical Belgian touches, the first of which I discovered on the museum website, which announces that "We are open 366 days a year..."

This one is a wee bit off the tourist trail, but is located close to the city centre, near Metro Botanique, and is well worth a visit. A bit of advice - take a cold drink and a snack, as there is no cafe, although you can leave and go out for it and they will let you back in. Also, it has a shop which is the place to go for retro-style childrens toys.

If anybody else has some tips on good toy museums elsewhere in Europe, please feel free to leave a comment :)

Bethnal Green: http://www.vam.ac.uk/moc/
Brussels: http://www.museedujouet.eu/index.php/jouet/gestpages/pageenglish

The Spiders Are Coming!

2010-08-27T14:27:00.000+02:00

A number of US Army trucks have been stranded at the docks in Antwerp since August 14th. This is because they have been found to be infested with Black Widow spiders.

The Black Widow is unlikely to survive the Belgian climate, according to experts, but this is still alarming news indeed. They say all men have a feminine side to their character, and mine manifests itself in a complete terror of spiders. You can't trust anything that has its skeleton on the outside, as far as I am concerned.

So we are all in agreement. Me, the Yanks, and the dock workers all agree that these little bastards must be ruthlessly exterminated.

There is, however, a problem. A problem that could surely only arise in Belgium. The local authorities want to kill the spiders, but they cannot act until the Health Department produces the documents enabling them to do so. At the time of writing, they have been waiting for 2 weeks.

Waiting for a Belgian government department to produce documents. Hmmmm.... now there is a recurring experience.

Belgian road junctions...

2010-08-27T14:06:00.000+02:00

Driving in Brussels, as anybody who has ever met me in a bar will know, is one of my pet hates.

I recently had another of those moments that can only happen in this city. It was at a road junction that only a Belgian urban planning commitee could come up with. 4 roads, 2 tramlines, and numerous hidden bus lanes all converge on one junction - and it is worth remembering that Belgians also place their pedestrian crossings on road junctions. It is hairy to say the least.

I had a green light, and so it was my turn to inch forward, head frantically turning from side to side like a fighter pilot scanning the skies for enemy trolley-buses. Then the lady in front of me, riding a pushbike, stopped in the middle of the road. She then, to my astonishment, dismounted and proceeded to pull up her stockings. I yelled, politely, for her move her bleeding jacksy. She ignored me completely, taking her own sweet time adjusting her attire. In the meantime, the lights had changed, and the floodgates opened, with me stuck in the epicentre of the junction. From every direction all manner of vehicles, public and private, hurtled towards me hooting, flashing, and wildly gesticulating at me.

Belgium's answer to Nora Batty calmly got back on her bike and rode to the pavement as if nothing had happened. It was not a nice experience.

Spot the flaw in Belgium's new public health strategy.

2010-08-27T13:35:00.000+02:00

Belgium's Federal Public Health Ministry has announced a cunning new plan to improve public health. They are going to sterilise all the cats. They plan to have "most cats" sterilised by 2016, according to the newspaper "Flanders today", (which rather sensibly is printed in English).

They will start with cats in shelters, and then roll the plan out. This is where, in true Belgian fashion, they introduce a major flaw into the strategy.

Cat breeders are going to have to sterilise their cats.

I guess this means that after 2016, cats breeders will have to retrain, and Belgium will become a net importer of kittens.

On the other hand, if the cats are sterile, then the breeders won't have to do much work - which is just the way that Belgians like it!

Spaced Out

2010-08-05T17:49:00.000+02:00

Its an old adage that if one walks across Grand Place at 4am, when it is totally deserted, and then stands still, a Belgian will walk into you within a second. Belgians have absolutely no concept of personal space at all.

This afternoon, I decided to have a bar of chocolate from a vending machine in the parliament. The place is pretty empty right now, so as I approached along the shopping mall like ground floor, with its banks, hardresser, dry cleaner, newsagent and permanently closed post office, there was just me and a Belgian. I knew he was Belgian, because of the funny tuft of hair growing from just under his lower lip. Its very popular over here. The 3-piece cordrouy suit was also a bit of a giveaway. I sensed that he would walk behind me, and then want to use the same vending machine as me, at the same time. I was right!

I stood back to let him go first. Instantly, 2 more appeared, like characters from Shaun of the Dead, and a pantomime began. Together, they all tried to work out how to use the machine. I sat down to watch, sensing that this might be entertaining. How many different ways, I wondered, can they fail to put 60 cents into a slot to by a mars bar?

After 5 minutes, and much jangling of coins and banging on the glass, they all left, shrugging at each other. I decided to try my luck. The vending machine that worked perfectly well yesterday is now well and truly bolloxed.

A truly Belgian experience!

2010-07-25T18:03:00.000+02:00

Belgium has its own chain of fast food restaurants, rather oddly named "Quick".

"Slow" might be more appropriate. "Incompetant and gungy" might be even better, although perhaps simply "Belgian" might give the customer an indication of what to expect.

I visited, for the third (and certainly last) time today their store at 329 Route de Phillippevile, Couillet. Its just outside Charleroi, where the airport is.

It opens at 10am. The first time I visited (at 10:05) a couple of years ago, the staff where all having a smoke in the kitchen, and would not speak to me. After 5 minutes I gave up and left. The second time I visited, I got served but my fries were cold, and the box contained the wrong burger. Today, The fries were, as expected, cold, and I was told to wait 5 minutes for my burger. After 10 minutes, and after barging past a queue, I eventually got my burger. I didn't enjoy it very much. This is absolutely normal, and the biggest queue of people in any Belgian burger bar is the one of people holding a tray of fries and soft drink, waiting for their burgers

I was stranded in Thionville in France once, because of snow. Leaving my "motel" I tried to find food. I found a Quick. The sign on the door advised me of the opening time, but 10 minutes later the doors were still locked. They opened 15 minutes after my arrival - 25 minutes after the stated opening time. They were not, however, selling any food at all, and in fact the girl who was taking my order was unable to explain what they did actually have to offer.

Another Belgian burger anecdote: A teenager of my aquaintance ordered some food at a McDonalds outlet, and of course the burger was not ready. "It will be 5 minutes", he was told.

After 10 minutes, and in the Belge tradition, he went in search of his burger, and the following conversation took place...

Teenager "Can I have my burger now, please?"

Staff "Its not my problem, I didn't take your order. Who did?"

Teenager "I can't see her"

Staff "What was her name?"

Teenager "I don't know..."

Staff "Then you are stupid, aren't you?"

Teenager "You call me stupid, but its you that ended up working in a burger bar!"

I will end with another Quick story. It was a Sunday afternoon another Quick store in Brussels. Someone had spilled a trail of soft drink across the width of the restaurant. A staff member spent about 10 minutes folding tissues and laying them in a long line along the length of the spill. I wondered why she didn't use the mop standing in a bucket behind the till...

Burger King deserve a mention too, of course!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-10699456

Lunchtime with Andrea Bocelli

2010-07-14T16:50:00.000+02:00

Today was special.

This lunchtime, in the European Parliament, we had a presentation by the office of the Mayor of Rome. It was no ordinary presentation.... after a screening of a short film by Franco Zaferreli, we were honoured with a recital by Andrea Bocelli. Really - Bocelli, in the flesh, and as brilliant as you could ever imagine.

I even forgot about my anger at having my pocket picked by scumbags (4th time - same scumbags) yesterday.

I saw some impressive performances in my time - I was personally honoured to be able to arrange a concert in the Parliament myself last year, by the superb Ukrainian pianist Dmytro Sukhovienko ( http://www.cartwright.eu.com/node/24 ) - but this was the first time I saw Bocelli. Absolutely superb!

WW1 project - a worthy endeavour from VRT

2010-07-11T16:06:00.000+02:00

I had dinner with a Belgian policeman a little while ago - he is a nice guy, and it was very interesting. The Belgian plod are generally very good, and they do concentrate on dealing with crime, unlike the British police who seem to exist for the sole purposes of policing bus lanes, and harrassing drivers on motorways. (Having said that, I was actually threatened with arrest for jaywalking in Brussels a couple of months ago. The fact that I could not stop laughing at being chastised by a policeman clutching 2 bags of groceries, and the stupidity of having to wait for a green man at a time when there was no traffic on the road, probably did not weigh in my favour. But I got away with a warning.)

My policeman chum was bit cynical about my knowledge of Flanders, and was trying to wind me up, albeit in a friendly way. "I bet you never heard of Flanders until you came here.." he suggested. I assured him that I had, but he didn't really believe me. "I know about England, but what do you know about Flanders?" he asked with a sneer.

The British resolve slipped a tad at this point...

"My Great-Grandfather is buried in Flanders" I told him. "Unlike some I could mention, he fought and died for Belgium, and it wasn't even his country"

It was the ultimate shut the f*ck up moment.

Although they didn't really take part in it themselves, the Belgians are very respectful about the victims of the Great War - probably more so than younger generations of Brits are. The Belgian broadcaster VRT is running an interesting project, and I think it might be worth bookmarking and following, as it provides the opportunity for folk with first-hand experiences to post thier thoughts. There will be sadly few of those, but I suspect they will be fascinating, and worth preserving.

Find it here....

http://www.deredactie.be/cm/vrtnieuws.english/GreatWar/091103_intro_to_VRT%2Bproject

Hail to Global Warming!

2010-07-11T13:09:00.000+02:00

It hit 37 degrees in Brussels yesterday. Then in the evening we were treated to a truly spectacular event.... rain so heavy that it looked like fog - visibility was about 6 feet, and that is no exaggeration. Then the hail storm began, accompanied by thunder and lightning - it was marvellous!

My work brings me into contact with about half the world's climate change deniers. These are largely poorly informed people who collectively regurgitate the same few dodgy interpretations of "evidence" over and over again. "Global warming must be a lie - this chart I found on the internet shows clearly that Chipping Norton had its coldest afternoon ever on April 5th 2008" is the sort of nonsense we get to hear. Again, and again, and again...

I never once met a denier who had any kind of academic background in the subject. Funny that...

Environmentalism is not my main subject, although I did go back to Uni not so long ago to study international environmental policy. I found that every committee in the European Parliament has to factor environmental concerns into its policy-making processes, and I needed to gain a greater understanding of the subject. I also discovered very quickly that it is a fascinating and rewarding subject to study. One of the basics of environmental science is that rising temperatures lead to increased precipitation. Its a fact that is almost as absolute as the existence of gravity, and it explains why we are experiencing so many extreme weather events at the moment.

It also explains last night's mid-July hailstorm. Armageddon, it seems, will be spectacular!

Belgium: you have to love it (or the police will be round).

2010-07-03T14:09:00.000+02:00

For almost 2 weeks there has been some construction work taking place outside the European Parliament. A stage is being constructed for a concert tonight, which will celebrate the start of the Belgian Presidency of the EU.

!.2 million euros is being spent on this. About 3 miles away, Boulevard General Jaques, a main arterial route, is closed off. The road, you see, has collapsed into the sewers. This is not uncommon in Brussels. The roads are pot-holed and inadequate, but Belgium is teetering on the verge of national bankruptcy with its defecit now approaching 100% of GDP. But there is always money available for the state to tell the people how good everything is, and so that is why we have a concert.

The local businesses are not best pleased about this.

Place de Luxembourg, outside the Parliament, is the centre of social life in the district. It is particularly busy at this time because of the World Cup, which draws customers to the bars.

On Wednesday, the 10 bar owners in "The Square", as it is known, received instructions to clear their terraces of tables and chairs for the day. This is a mammoth task, as most tables are outside. They are also under orders not to have any television screens visible from the street, lest they distract the revellers at this expensive "Isn't Belgium Great" spectacle.

One owner told me that he will have to lay off 6 waiting staff tonight - all students who probably need the money. Non-compliance with this order will result in "police action".

There will be trapeze artists, a light show, dancers, and fireworks.

Amusingly, it is pouring in Brussels as I write, and the forecast is for more of the same.

Such a pity!

The 9:15 to Bedlam

2010-06-28T11:19:00.000+02:00

What is it about being in Brussels that makes people act so stupidly? Almost every day I see something that amazes me, and today is no exception. I note that a sign has appeared on the front door of the European Parliament effectively explaining to people that it is not a train station. Is that an easy mistake to make? I don't think so.

I can't imagine anybody entering central lobby at Westminster and asking where they can get a train to Ipswich, for example. Here is a picture of the European Parliament - does it like like a train station?

Apparently the mistake is made often enough here for the apparatchiks to feel the need to put up a sign about it.

There must be something in the water, I guess.

Told you so!

2010-06-27T22:13:00.000+02:00

Maybe I should become a football pundit... my predictions about England's chances in the World Cup were pretty accurate! But then I guess it doesn't take an expert to work out what will happen - poor performance and lame excuses.

What really annoys me is that millions of young English kids look on these guys as role models. And what do they get? Talentless and whinging overpaid no-hopers.

England's World Cup bid, let us remember, started with a goalkeeper who dropped the ball, conceding a goal. Now I can accept that even professional goalies make mistakes - maybe they dive the wrong way, or they misjudge the curve of the ball. They are not, however, at this level, supposed to drop the f*****g football!

Wayne Rooney, who we are told is a good footballer, played like a crumpet, and had the gall to criticise the England fans, who had paid a lot of money to go and see him play, for booing his appalling performance. Perhaps he should take early retirement like the rest of his dysfunctional family who effectively retired the day they left school.

That was below pathetic. 3 goals in 4 games? This was the World Cup finals, chaps. Less than minimum effort won't cut it. Thats why you are all going home in disgrace.

It is telling that the pundits are even getting nostalgic for the days of David Beckham. Ah yes... David Beckham, who tripped over whilst running up to take a vital penalty in a key match.

As for Fabrice Acappela or whatever his name is, he resembles a cross between Freddie Garrity and a Thunderbirds puppet. He has reassured us, apparently, that he will not be resigning. Well that's a bloody shame.

2010-06-25T11:57:00.000+02:00

The highlight of the World Cup so far was sitting in the middle of a huge group of German fans, cheering for Serbia. I suspect that one may come back to bite me on the ar*e on Sunday.

I tried to explain to a Spanish friend after the game the very special relationship we English enjoy with the Germans. It may be something to do with working in the EU institutions, but I really do get the impression that we Brits are the only people in Europe to have any accurate recollection of the 20th century whatsoever. I find those old UKIP myths about Europe tediously dull, but it is absolutely true that in the European Parliament WW2 has been referred to as the "European Civil War". It is also the case that there were, apparently, no Germans involved at all. It was the Nazis, you see!

But surely my favourite moment was during a meeting of the EP Security and Defence sub-committee back in 2004. The Ukrainian "Orange Revolution" was in full swing, and there were real concerns that Russia might invade in order to partition the country. A rather fat German MEP stood up and called for the EU to send troops to act as a "blocking force".

There was a flaw in this plan... the EU did not actually have an army.

I was reminded of another mad German politician, 60 years before, who wanted to send non-existent troops to stop the Russians.

Politics: only the faces change!

The photo, incidentally, has nothing to do with the story, but aren't they great :)

Perks of the job.

2010-06-12T10:59:00.000+02:00

My job is not without its perks, I have to admit. The main one is that I get to share my days with some of the most highly educated and well-connected people in Europe, something that makes even living in Belgium worthwhile.

And so it was that I got to watch the opening game of the World Cup with the ambassadors of South Africa, Namibia, and the Congo. This was followed by a fascinating conversation with a charming poet from Sierra Leone, and then dinner with my closest friends. Not even a night out in the Old Kent Road can beat that.

As I write, England have yet to play their first game, so I suppose we can look forward to a few days of broken feet, yellow cards, and missed penalties. This will inevitibly be followed by the usual agonising "If Alaska lose by more than 8 goals to Peru, and if Germany draw against Hawaii, and if we can beat Tongo, we can still qualify for the quarter finals on goal difference..."

I've got a great strategy for the rebirth of English football. Score goals, win games. Its surely that simple.

I wish I hadn't signed a contract with Belgacom

2010-06-05T02:11:00.000+02:00

Think back to the 1970s, when telephone services in the UK were run by the GPO. It was pretty dire, right?

Fast forward to the 21st century, and in Belgium we have something called "Belgacom". Now imagine the GPO, but without any desire to help their customers at all, and you might get an idea of what it is like trying to get anything to work.

Belgacom controls everything in my home - TV, telephone, internet access, the lot. I consider it to be a bit too expensive, but what really irritates me are all the little boxes and the miles of wiring that fill my home to service all this technology.

If anything goes down, it is a nightmare to get it fixed. We had to call an engineer out recently - the call out was free, "but you 'ave to pay 70 euros because 'ee was zere..." Their box was broken, but I had to pay.

Tonight I wanted to watch the news. I have about 100 channels - all pure garbage - except for BBC1, which is the only channel I look at. Tonight the service is "temporairement indisponible", which is French for "It don't work". None of it works, the whole service is off the air. Nearly 100 euros a month, and it doesn't bloody work.

I used to get TCM as part of the package, which meant I could at least watch an old, half-decent movie from time to time. Without any reference to me, the customer, it was withdrawn, and now I have Al Jazeera, and some other Arabic channel that I have no interest in whatsoever. I suppose this reflects the changing demographics in Belgium. I would complain, but that would make me a racist, of course.

Every expat, of whatever nationality, has their own story about wasted days waiting for a Belgacom engineer, call-out charges, hostile customer services, etc.

I only wanted to watch the bloody news, I can't even do that in this dump.

Taking to the streets!

2010-06-02T11:40:00.000+02:00

Some years ago I took part in a protest outside a police station in Minsk. This was probably one of the hairiest of political activities I have ever engaged in, but I have to admit it was all rather good fun. Certainly more fun than getting one's head cracked open on the streets of St Petersburg for being gay, or for exercising the right to protest in public, as guaranteed under Article 31 of the constitution.

On Monday, the Green Party organised a small protest outside the Russian mission to the EU, to show solidarity with the Russian protesters, who were at that very moment being beaten about the head, and having their extremities fed to large police dogs.

The Belgian police showed up, and of course would not allow us near the mission. When I say "us", actually I have to admit that they had no problem with me, as I was wearing a suit. The Greens were wearing what Greens usually wear, and so the police moved them away from the mission. And so it was, in true Belgian style, we demonstrated against human rights abuses in Russia outside a Metro station.

The EU takes the credit for Vitamin C !

2010-05-31T13:59:00.000+02:00

This is not quite as good as "Comrade Stalin invented the internal combustion engine", which is my all time favourite piece of political bullshit, but its not so far off. Today in the European Parliament, an exhibition about famous Hungarians has gone up, on the ground floor, near the sandwich bar and the statue of an anorexic horse with a star on its back.

Its not a particularly big exhibition, and it misses out my pal from the parliament press room who once played a camp guard in Escape to Victory, but it is interesting enough.

But I think that claiming to have "invented vitamin C" is pushing it a bit far. Maybe it is a mistake - maybe it is not.

The European Commission claims that the EU has maintained peace in Europe since 1945, which another total piece of bullshit, although lots of people in the EU institutions do actually buy into this. Just like lots of Soviet kids grew up believing that Comrade Stalin invented the internal combustion engine....

Drinking with murderers

2010-05-26T10:25:00.000+02:00

There I was, enjoying a beer in the sunshine with a few good friends in Place de Luxembourg, when the child-murderers arrived.

I get fed up with the way that normally sensible people defend these vermin - maybe it is done out of fear - I don't know. One otherwise sensible journalist actually said to me, "I don't think that there is really a link between Sinn Fein and the IRA".

I once asked Lord Tebbit how he would feel if he saw Gerry Adams or Martin McGuiness in central lobby. He replied "I can only hope that there is a particularly hot corner of Hell reserved for them".

I thought this picture might serve as a reminder, as it appears that one is needed, of how Sinn Fein / IRA carry out their political campaigns. It shows the body of a baby being carried away from the scene of one of their bombings.

Those who like to make themselves feel good by believing that there is no link between Sinn Fein and the IRA might find the following of interest
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-561187/Martin-McGuinness-knew-IRAs-plan-bomb-Enniskillen.html

2010-01-06T23:58:00.000+01:00

I try to avoid driving in Brussels, especially in the mornings. The inadequate roads are overcrowded, and it is quicker to walk. I am a bit of a green, so I do avoid using the car out of principle, and I also prefer to actually spend time chatting to Junior about our world, as opposed to merely ferrying him from A to B in a metal box.

This week, however, its darn cold, and the roads are less congested. The only significant employers in Belgium, the EU institutions, are still enjoying their long, taxpayer-funded Christmas holidays. They will (sort of) drift back towards their offices on January 11th.

So this morning I did indeed take the young boss to school in the car. Coming home, I approached the junction twixt rue de Treves and rue Jaques deLaing. There are traffic lights there.

There was very little traffic on the road, and as I approached the junction I indicated to turn left. It was all a bit laid back in the old Panzer... the Everly Brothers on the stereo, Stetson hat perched jauntily to one side, and half a mind on an article I wanted to write about salmon farming in the Kamchatka peninsula. A fascinating subject, by the way....

Suddenly, an bird in a blue get up leapt in front of my car. A bird with a gun - a Brussels police-chick.

She was frantically blowing a whistle and pointing and waving at me in a way that suggested "Its a natural disaster - get out quick or die..." She obviously did not want me to do a left turn, so I went straight ahead and moved out quick, as I did not want to inhibit her disaster relief operations.

I live at the epicentre of a one-way system. I eventually drove home, in ever-decreasing circles, and passed the heroine again about 5 minutes later. It transpired there was no reason for panic; but she was still leaping out in front of traffic and pedestrians with her whistle. I pulled over for a moment to watch this spectacle. But nothing was wrong... it was just a set of traffic lights, on a quiet morning, no road closures, no problems at all. It was just a set of properly functioning traffic lights, an a very quiet morning. At one point she had to wait a full minute for someone to drive along so she could jump out into the road uneccessarily and wave her arms about. I wondered if she was one one of those lunatics that dresses up as a cop, or a vicar, or whatever, in order to live out a fantasy. But no... she was genuine. Genuinely Belgian.

Belgium... you wouldn't want to make it up...!

Driving in Belgian snow....

2009-12-20T11:29:00.000+01:00

One of the joys of living in Belgium (yes - there are some) is the ease with which one can reach other countries. Coming from an Island, its something that has really changed my life. I've driven all over the place - if you never drove through the Alps, its a must, believe me!

One of my favourite pastimes is camping, and I am particularly fond of the Ardennes. In fact, I just got back from there. This trip was always going to be a challenge - it is bloody cold. I wasn't quite ready to find my tent half buried in snow when I woke up a few days ago, but it was a pleasant surprise. Taking the tent down at -7 degrees was also a bit of a challenge, but I managed it without losing fingers.

The drive back was "interesting..."

The French had managed to get even the side roads realtively clear before lunchtime, but crossing the border in Belgium, the story was, predictably, different. OK, I was ready for it. What I wasn't ready for was what I found on the E19 motorway.

The road was cleared and salted, and traffic was moving at about 100kph. Suddenly I could see ahead of me where the snowplough had turned off into a side-road.... Suddenly I went from a clean road to black ice and 3 foot snow drifts. The Belgian drivers around me seemed not to notice, and carried on chatting into their mobiles, lighting cigars, and swigging beer. My heart actually stopped for a few moments, until the Belgian driving 3 inches behind me, as is the custom here, started flashing his lights and waving at me.

Forget Italians, Egyptians, and Russians - when it comes to driving, Belgians are the world's biggest twats.

The Belgian postal service...

2009-10-20T14:15:00.000+02:00

I’m not very enthusiastic about tax. I personally think it morally questionable that I should have my hard earned income taken away from me and used in ways I strongly disapprove of. In my part of London, only 20% of households pay council tax, the rest are dependent on benefits - my bloody taxes, in other words.
I was delighted to receive a tax demand from the Belgian authorities, however: It is for the princely sum of zero. I approve of this, and so I won’t be challenging it. I did have another reason to contact them, however, and that is where the problem begins…

I had to send a registered letter. Nothing heavy, one sheet of paper inside an envelope. This cost me €5,19 - that’s almost five quid to post a letter! I shouldn’t have needed to post the letter, which is what makes me really mad - I tried to e-mail them, but neither of the two e-mail addresses given on their letter to me actually works. A bit like Belgium itself, in fact. Duff. Dud. Defective. Unavailable on Monday mornings, Friday afternoons, public holidays, bridging days, or for three hours either side of lunchtime.
Five quid for a bloody letter…

Another day - another scandal.

2009-10-20T14:12:00.000+02:00

Peter Mandleson is in the news again…. There is some speculation as to how he has funded the £2.5 million purchase of a villa in London’s Regents Park. Calculations suggest a shortfall of up to £400,000 in the peer’s worth, and the price paid. This is not the first time such a mystery has arisen, of course!

We can only speculate on this, of course, but just for your interest £400k works out at 18,299,119.72 Russian rubles.

How not to run a country - Part 2

2009-10-20T14:09:00.001+02:00

I’m hoping that somebody might explain something to me.

If it has snowed, and folks are slipping all over the pavements, why is it necessary for the one Belgian who actually made it into work before lunchtime to chip sheepishly away at snow covering grass 18 inches away from the pavement? Do they have grit and salt? Maybe they are waiting for the paperwork to be processed, allowing for snow clearance, in which case we can expect work to begin in early July.

This morning, two headlines grabbed my attention: the first concerned a woman who murdered her husband by setting fire to his penis, the second stated that “Belgian MPs back their new government”. I’m not sure which is the least believable. The BBC website refers to the new Prime Minister, Herman Van Rompuy, as “an old style Belgian politician”. This can mean either one of two things: either he is stupid, or he is permanantly drunk. Either way, we can safely assume that this means he won’t show up for work on Mondays, Fridays, or any day that sits adjacent to a public holiday.

I once had an appointment with a Belgian police officer. I turned up only to be told “He is not here today, he had to go to a funeral yesterday”. After no less than 6 attempts to meet with this muppet, I learned that he had returned all my paperwork to the town hall as I “had not turned up”. Perhaps, when we made the initial appointment, I should have double checked with him that he actually wanted me to go to his office, and not some local bar.

Belgium: if it didn’t exist, you wouldn’t want to make it up.

How not to run a country - part 1

2009-10-20T14:08:00.001+02:00

I find myself in a bit of a pickle with the Belgian Federal Tax Authorities. They are chasing me for my tax returns for 2007, and threatening me with a large fine if I don’t obey orders. I am not impressed with this, as I was an employee, paying the Belgian equivelant of PAYE - to the Federal Tax Authorities - at the time. So, obviously unable to cross reference (the Germans forgot to show them how to do that) they want me to provide a certificate to prove I was employed, and thus paid them tax. This is where it gets really good.
I was, at that time, an employee of an EU institution. They could give me a certificate, in theory, but there is a problem. The office that gives such certificates to employees cannot help me, as I am not now an employee. The offices that deal with people in my predicament cannot help, as they do not deal with employees, and the problem relates to the time when I was, indeed, an employee.

I tried to call Luxembourg, where all bucks eventually seem to stop. I got a voicemail message that said “We are sorry we cannot answer your call. All our employees are cruising the Pacific Islands with the Socialist Anti-Poverty Action Group. On our return we are scheduled to take 6 weeks sick leave. We would like to take this opportunity to wish you a merry Christmas, and a prosperous 2005″
Tax in Belgium is high. One would like to think the money will be spent on a better filing system, but I suspect that might not be the case. Some investment is also required in the roads and pavements of Brussels. It has been so long since Place de Luxembourg (in front of the European Parliament) has been ploughed, that some paving stones have been trodden down, and are actually level and flush. No doubt this will be rectified as soon as the paperwork is stamped in triplicate.

I did visit the office for paving slabs, which occupies 18 floors at the Ministry of Unecessary Paperwork, on the corner of Boulevard de héros de Waloonian SS and Rue de la Merde, to complain. Being a Monday, it was closed.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest!